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A Chest Hair Named Fred

When he was a teen-ager, my son, who was not wearing a shirt, approached his mother and said,

"Look, Mom."  "I'm looking."  "What do you see?"  "I see your chest."  "Yes, but what do you see on my chest?"  "What am I supposed to see on your chest?"  "You're supposed to see a chest hair named Fred."

The Gun Lap

I am often, and rightly, described as an athletic supporter.  I love all sports but especially track and am proud to say that I am one of the few persons in the world to see Bobby Morrow (1956 Olympic gold medals at 100 and 200 meters and the 4-by-100 relay) run a full quarter mile.

On Barking Dogmas

Fundamentalist and Modernist; Liberal and Conservative.  Sadly, these clumsy assignations are still made by Presbyterians.  I regret to say that I am myself victimized by this distinction, and I regret even more that I perpetuate its use.  The Apostle Paul discusses the broader problem of "we" and "they" (or to be more objective -- "us" and "them") in Philippians 1:15-18, coming to the remarkable conclusion that we should rejoice because Christ is being proclaimed, whether by "them" in pretense or by "us" in truth.

Ardor vs. Order

As a lifelong student of muliebrity, I have learned that Earth has few intellectual delights to compare with the satisfaction of embarrassing the woman you love.  Although I. Kant say it out loud, an axiom of both pure and practical reason holds that a woman will never get angry at you if you are trying to express your devotion to her.

Panic in the Pulpit

Most of us learn to preach by imitation and we imitate what we admire.  When I was in seminary, the preacher I most admired wrote his sermons in a black, 6 b 9 notebook -- so I bought a 6 by 9 notebook.

Moreover, I noticed that when he was ready to turn a page, he made a dramatic gesture toward heaven and while everyone was looking up, he flipped the page.  I practiced that maneuver too.

Squirrels in My Attic

On August 11, 1991, after 37 years of devoutly offering burnt offerings to heaven, I smoked my pipe for the last time, quitting, as they say, cold duck.  I had taken up pipe smoking because I thought it denoted a kindly, reflective, manly person such as I considered myself to be.

Awl or Nothing

Last year a billboard emblazoned the conviction that the best thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.  Surely, by now, every father has figured that out although, given human weaknesses, it is not always possible.  Certainly love is a big subject.  For the rationalists, Dante, reflecting Aristotle, declares in the lst line of The Divine Comedy  that love makes the world go around.  For the romantics, King Arthur by way of Camelot insists that the way to handle a woman is to love her, love her, love her.

Filthy Habits

Even though I am a world-class expert on women, I sometimes find them hard to understand.  For example, I had been dating Margaret exclusively for about a year and a half, and I thought it was probably safe to put my arm around the back of her chair at a movie.  I was what we called in those days "a fast worker."

Romancing Sophia

To a flat-lander who has lived in the Mississippi Delta and on the Great Plains, Pittsburgh is a big challenge because of all the hills.  This fact has led me to recognize that it is a serious mistake for a man to marry chiefly for beauty and brains.  Brawn ought to be a major consideration.  I now think the ideal woman is at least 6 feet tall, weighs about 290 and bench presses 400 pounds.

The Limits of Decency

It is all very well for the Bible to command us in one place to be urgent (2 Timothy 4:2) and in another to do all things decently and in order (1 Corinthians 14:40).  The problem is the Bible does not tell us which commandment applies to which situation.  Thus, some Christians -- like the Methodists -- are regularly more urgent than decent and some -- like the Presbyterians -- are regularly more decent than urgent.