Into our inbox, telephone, or office comes a voice that isn’t content to disagree, but feels obliged to go on the attack.
Instead of saying, “I have a different view,” this voice disparages you, challenges your right to hold a divergent viewpoint, questions your integrity, challenges your motives, and demands that you stop believing what you believe or saying what you say.
Some bear the whining of sarcasm, some arrogance, some woundedness, some rage.
It is tempting to respond in kind. Greet sarcasm with sarcasm, bristle at rage, sneer at arrogance. But that only ratchets up the invective and rewards immature behavior. The would-be “victim” now feels justified as the one under assault.
I have four suggestions for responding to such attacks:
First, don’t lose your temper, don’t lose control of your part of this confrontation. Only you are responsible for your emotions and behavior. Don’t let the attacker seize control.
Second, welcome disagreement but not sarcasm, innuendo, rumor, passive-aggressive behavior, or assault — verbal or otherwise. Those are inappropriate behaviors.
Third, if the attacker won’t back down, call for help. Tell a colleague what is happening, turn to a trusted church leader, but don’t let yourself get isolated in a duel at dawn.
Finally, don’t give up your freedom to be, to speak, and to believe. You might, in fact, be in the wrong. You might have hurt someone. Acknowledge, and apologize, but do not give up your freedom.
Throughout, know that attacks in church are nothing new. In fact, the faith community might be the only safe place where a wounded soul can cry for help. It is your job as pastor or lay leader to hear the cry for help and not get sidetracked by the inappropriate way in which that cry is voiced.
The reason you train church leaders isn’t only to balance the budget, but to deal with matters such as these attacks. The Church Wellness Project offers useful guidance on the basics of Leadership Development. Write me at [email protected].
Tom Ehrich is a writer, church consultant, and Episcopal priest based in New York. He is the publisher of On a Journey, and the founder of the Church Wellness Project www.churchwellness.com.
