Several years ago, I heard a quote attributed to William Sloane Coffin: “We cultivate the gardens of our grievances.” Despite my Google searches, I haven’t found the source of the quote, but it has stuck with me, nonetheless.
Sometimes, when I’m angry or hurt, I want to remain in my garden of grievances. I brood over the things that upset me, replaying them in my mind. I layer grievance upon grievance. I water them, nurture them, and encourage them to grow. I harvest the bitter fruits when the season is just right.
“We cultivate the gardens of our grievances.”
When we tend the gardens of our grievances, we can close ourselves off from the hospitality of others and miss the grace around us. I learned this truth when I was in seminary.
It was late June. My Hebrew class began in July. I came home from my retail job and found a box of books on my back porch from Amazon. Great! But it had rained buckets that day, and the delivery driver didn’t put the books in a plastic bag. Not great.
I was so angry. Most of the books were fine, but my Hebrew workbook was ruined. That meant that I had to call Amazon’s customer service. I hate the voice menus and the interminable wait times. It was 8 p.m. I was tired and irritable, but I had no choice.
After a while on hold, I finally got to speak to a live person — in the Philippines! Given our different cultures and native languages, I was afraid we would have trouble communicating, and in my anger, I wanted the assurance of being heard. I wanted my audience to feel all my righteous anger.
Do you know what the customer service rep from the Philippines did? He was kind. He apologized. He listened. And he spoke excellent English. What was I supposed to do with all my rage?
After he offered to refund my money and replace the damaged book, he said, “May I ask you a personal question?” I thought that was odd but wanted to repay some of his kindness, so I encouraged him to ask his question. He asked if I was a Christian and why I was studying Hebrew. I explained that I was a Presbyterian seminary student studying to be a pastor. It turned out that he was a church musician who had attended a Protestant seminary and was a lay leader in his congregation. It was a very interesting conversation — and very different from the conversation I expected.
My new friend from the Philippines reminded me that I’m a Christian. He reminded me that everyone is my neighbor and we have more in common than I realize. I nearly missed this opportunity to connect and see beyond myself because I was busy tending the garden of my grievance. My new friend practiced grace and hospitality. He invited me into a conversation, a moment of sharing, that pulled me out of my anger and oriented me toward God’s grace. He reminded me that we all have the power to do this for each other. Perhaps, together, we can build a new garden.
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