When our daughter was five she began to have more than the usual difficulty going to sleep at night. She cried when we put her to bed, used all of the “tricks” we’d learned to ignore for staying awake, and frequently woke up during the night calling out to us or weeping. After several days of this behavior that was exhausting all of us, I decided it was time to talk. We walked home from kindergarten and stopped at the park.
“Do you know why you’re afraid at night?” I asked.
“Yes,” she said softly.
“Can you tell me about it?”
“I can tell you what I wish,” was her answer.
“What do you wish?”
“You won’t get mad?” she asked, turning her tear-filled eyes toward my face.
“I won’t get mad. I promise.”
“Mommy, could we please not watch the news at breakfast any more?”
It took my brain a few seconds to process this request, but I managed to say, “Well, of course! We don’t even have to have the TV on in the mornings. Would that help?”
“I think so,” she said with the most incredible look of relief on her face.
I’m a news junkie. Many of us are, and the media encourages us to believe that the most significant thing we can do in a crisis is to know everything there is to know. But the news has been scary for a long time: terrorists, plane crashes, war, a tsunami, hurricanes are just pieces of what children have learned about in the last five years. As families and as church we have a responsibility for offering help and hope for our children in frightening times. All of us, our children included, need to be reminded regularly of our certainty that God is present comforting us, loving us, suffering with us, and that God can be trusted never to leave us, even, perhaps especially, when things we cannot explain happen.
Young children, preschoolers certainly, need us, parents, pastors, church school teachers, to protect them from the barrage of news and anxiety that is broadcast into our homes and which we reflect in conversation on the phone and around our dinner tables and in casual chats at the church coffee pot. Even as we word announcements for worship and craft the prayers of the people, we must remember that young children need assurance that they are secure and safe. One of the best ways we can communicate that is not by anxious over-explanation but by keeping their routines as normal as possible and by listening to them. The pattern of their days is one of the primary ways children are reassured that their world is secure and that we are keeping them safe. Do not suppose that it is important for a young child to know what’s going on and try to explain situations about which they are incapable of thinking. But do listen. Follow questions with questions so that you can answer what they are really asking. “What is a tsunami?” a child might ask. “What do you already know about what it is?” could be the best response.
Elementary children cannot be protected from world events. Classroom conversation at school may be providing both information and support, but the role of the parent or other significant adult, again, is to listen, openly and as calmly as possible, to correct misinformation and to offer reassurance that there is nothing our children cannot talk to us about. Answer questions honestly when you are sure you know what is being asked, and remember that “I don’t know” is an acceptable honest answer.
Our churches have a powerful role to play in helping children cope with scary news. Fred Rogers of Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood was an ordained Presbyterian minister whose recognized call was his television ministry with the children of our country and indeed the world. He had some significant advice that is as important today as it has ever been. He said that when he was a boy and saw scary things on the news, his mother always said, “Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.” Our churches have modeled being helpers in amazing ways these past several years, but we need to plan carefully so that even young children are appropriately involved. Parents may need suggestions for appropriate and fulfilling activities. We know that it makes us feel good to do something for someone in need, and children derive that same sense of satisfaction in knowing they have contributed something positive in an otherwise overwhelming situation.
These are just a few of the helpful web sites you can visit. Our denominational site, www.pcusa.org , always has pieces for helping churches become helpers when there is a crisis. “Talking with Kids about War and Violence” is exceptional at www.pbs.org/parents/ . The Parenting for Peace and Justice Network site, www.ipj-ppj.org , has numerous resources for families and for churches.
Martha Bess Dewitt is director of Christian Education at Westminster Church in Nashville, Tenn.
