It was July 17, 2012, when after a wedding I decided I would no longer take part in the state requirements, over-the-top excess, stress and politics of the American marriage industry.
This had been building for a while. A common observation of modern clergy is that a couple will approach the event with the concerns of reception, parking, chicken or beef, cash bar and photographer. If a church or house of worship element comes into play, it is usually an afterthought and often only serves as a place-marker for the social hour. And yes, with the average wedding reception costing $20,000-30,000 and many costing much more, there is an element of a festival of consumption and consumerism.
But the retort is, “you are the pastor, you have to marry or perform ceremonies for church X or place Y.” No, my job as pastor is to witness to the faith and lead, by word, deed, and example. I can no longer take part in events that no longer honor faith or the commitments the Lord makes on people for lives of simplicity, honesty, integrity and regeneration in the Spirit.
It is not that I am anti-reception, anti-nice white dress and flowers. But marriage in American culture has very little to do with the historic principles of commitment and mutual sacrifice, and much to do with atmospherics, keeping up with the neighbors, image and perception. Nor am I against a couple seeking a religious ceremony. But do not assume the faith, church, clergy to be an instrument of the secular state for vital record-keeping, statistics or the legal and tax implications of “marriage.” We live in a constitutional democracy, not a theocracy, and marriage in a legal sense was never the province of the church.
My policy now — whether toward old Aunt Minnie’s grandkid, who has not been in a church since eighth grade, or a couple off the street — is consistent. If you seek a church or faith “blessing” of your union and commitment in life, I am happy to accommodate. I would recommend a civil service by a representative of the state prior to a worship service, or one may bring a clergy person to the church for a service. The church itself will remain open to the couple’s wishes. I personally do not own the building. But I will not perform what the secular state asks or requires of me for the marriage license.
Suffice to say that this policy change was not met by overwhelming acclamation by either session or the church. Two common perceptions at the time were that I was making some comment on the current legal and social discussion on gay and lesbian marriage. Or that I was raising the white flag of surrender in the culture war and lying down before the pagan horde at the gates. In time, even those who disagreed with me understood my reasons, practical and theological. I think it far healthier for all concerned for the church to get out of the state’s business, and the state to get out of mine.
The policy change also fostered a healthy conversation across the church, not only on the nature and practice of marriage. A church is not city hall or the civil courts. Our witness and message are far different. The modern church in America is at an inflection point. Do we become just another institution among many that reflect more or less of popular sentiment and opinion? Or do we choose to witness to a Gospel and message that have a few different things to say about our collective worship of consumerism and consumption — false gods that have taken what at one time was the purview of the church and turned it into a festival of “say yes to the dress” and “my big fat wedding”?
I have made my choices, and on that I stand. In 32 years of professional ministry, I have found there are just times and opportunities to buck the popular trend and maybe change some discussions. Such a time is now.
PETER GREGORY is pastor of First Church, Lambertville, N.J.
