Every church leader I know has found himself or herself in conflict.
From grinding conflict to small skirmishes, from hard-edged rancor to mild disagreement, from destruction to resolution — we have seen it all.
Here are four tips for dealing with conflict.
1. Conflicts are necessary.
A system without conflict among ideas and personalities, and conflict over limited resources, is a dying system without energy or purpose.
2. Conflicts take several forms. Two are necessary; one is to be avoided.
One form is spontaneous. People speak, voice disagreement and process disagreement verbally, at the table, in real time. Some people prefer verbal conflict because they have confidence in their verbal skills, real-time nimbleness and their ability to modulate volume, intensity or tone, as needed.
Another form is prepared. Some people function best when they can step away from the table and think matters through. Mull issues, name stakeholders, discern their own stake, decide what is their minimum to stay at the table, and discern an outcome that seems fair.
A third form — to be avoided — is passive-aggressive conduct: avoidance, easy accommodation and silence, followed by anger, resentment and pouncing. One job of any group leader is to recognize passive-aggressive behavior as it occurs and to rule it out.
Ideal scenario: verbal and prepared each get a turn, then a further session is set for decisions.
3. Conflict participants want different outcomes, such as winning, not losing, crushing or resolving.
Winning means getting my ideas saluted as correct, getting my needs met, grabbing a large share of the rewards, being perceived as victor.
Not losing means not getting hurt, not getting embarrassed, not having important things like my office, my job or my perks taken away.
Crushing means destroying the other. It means forced termination, permanent removal from the profession, loss of financial security, a ruined reputation, loss of health and family.
Resolving means an outcome that is mutually beneficial, balanced, capable of supporting further work and respectful of all key participants. or what they call a “win-win all around.”
Resolving is best.
4. You need a conflict-ready organization.
You will always have people who shrink from conflict, whose life history makes them dread abuse by, say, domineering men or manipulative women. Love them fully, but don’t put them in leadership.
Same with bullies, both aggressive and passive-aggressive. Love them, but don’t think that serving on a leadership team will be a venue for their growth. It will simply bring out the worst in them.
Church leadership needs to be a venue where reasonably mature people work and collide for the good of the community, seeking outcomes that enable the organization to function capably.
One key to leadership development, then, is to discern a prospective leader’s readiness for effective conflict. A second key: set a proper stage for conflict. It should include norms, ample time and an atmosphere of safety and respect.
TOM EHRICH is a writer, church consultant and Episcopal priest based in New York. He is a founder of the Church Wellness Project churchwellness.com. His Web site is morningwalkmedia.com.
