“What if you came out of this pandemic stronger and more faithful than when you began?”
That was the question I posed to the congregation as we embarked on a project to transform our board of deacons from a problem-oriented ministry to one inspired by the concept of holy friendship, as dean of Duke Divinity School L. Gregory Jones has written, “Holy friends challenge the sins we have come to love, affirm the gifts we are afraid to claim and help us dream dreams we otherwise would not dream.” In holy friendship, we open ourselves to an honesty that is critical to our growth but can be uncomfortable for us to hear.
I serve a mid-size Presbyterian congregation just outside of Portland, Oregon. Our deacons are ordained volunteers serving three-year, elected terms. We divide the congregation into parishes, and the job of each deacon is to care for their parish. For the most part, this has meant checking in with them on a monthly basis. Our deacons are excellent at providing care for people when they experience challenges. A death in the family? No problem. A truckload of lasagnas will soon arrive. A new baby? Fantastic. Better think about purchasing a second refrigerator, because you are about to have more baked ziti than you know what to do with. But what about when everything is mostly OK? What about when life is boring and stable (even in the midst of a pandemic)? Our deacons haven’t really had much to offer — and, perhaps sensing this, many in their parishes would only respond when they truly needed help. Our deacons felt disconnected, lacking in purpose and almost perversely excited when a family would experience a challenge, because then the deacon might actually be able to help.
Several events have come together to help us make a powerful shift. In 2019 I earned my Associate Certified Coach credential from the International Coaching Federation (ICF) through the Hudson Institute of Coaching. In this intense program, I built upon many of the skills I’ve already developed as a pastoral caregiver to create spaces for people in which they could discover a vision of their inspired future and craft a plan to live into this dream. Through the art of active listening and asking beautiful questions, good coaches lead from behind, helping create spaces in which their clients discover for themselves what it is they are truly being called to in their particular season of life. This kind of coaching actualizes in the flesh the idea of holy friendship.
In the fall of 2019, I started to train our deacons in the deep listening skills that coaching and holy friendship demand. I educated them in ICF’s core competencies: understanding the ethics of listening, establishing trust, maintaining curiosity, listening actively, asking powerful questions, creating awareness and, when appropriate, helping a member to develop plans and thinking through managing future progress. I devoted significant time to identifying appropriate boundaries and how to identify when a conversation was shifting away from a coaching conversation to something more appropriate for a therapist, a pastor or a mentor. The only way to learn these skills is to practice them. At every deacon meeting, I asked two deacons to serve as coach-like holy friends and two deacons to share an area they were interested in learning or growing. For 10 minutes we watched as one deacon created a beautiful space in which another could explore their hopes, dreams and fears. People were surprised by both tears and laughter. These were not the kind of stale business meetings most of us dread in the church. These were engagements in which the presence of the Holy Spirit was palpable.
How to engage the congregation? Initially, my idea was to invite congregants who were interested to engage individually with deacons in a holy friendship modeled on the typical coaching engagement of six to eight meetings over a three-month period. Many were extremely nervous about the prospect of meeting with members one on one. I also had my doubts about how many of our congregants would be willing to risk entering into a relationship like this without really knowing what they were getting themselves into. Then, the Spirit again interceded in a way I could not have predicted. In December of 2019 I received training in a group coaching model in which two coaches moderate a group of up to eight participants. When I pitched this idea to the deacons, they were sold. Working as a team felt much less frightening than working alone.
At the start of 2020 we were planning on launching in the fall, but with the onset of COVID-19 we realized we had a unique opportunity. We believed that the need for connection and for imagining a positive, Spirit-led future was more important now than ever before. And so, while we all would have enjoyed more opportunity for training, we launched our first holy friends group in May. Our holy friend moderators follow the Hudson group coaching structure that provides a clear path for how to best use an hour and a half that allows time for each person to check in and out, two 20-minute coaching sessions and time for the group to ask their questions and offer their wisdom as well. I sit in on each meeting with my microphone on mute and not sharing my screen. I am simply there to observe the deacons, and what I have seen has blown me away. From the very beginning these individuals shared with courage and vulnerability, and this space has been one of the brightest lights in this very difficult time. I asked the members of this group to share their experience. Here is what some of them had to say:
Being a coach for holy friends has been a voyage to someplace I wasn’t expecting. I thought it was going to be a smaller space. The sharing from the group members has been deep. It has wandered in surprising directions. I mentioned to my co-leader that it has morphed from something that I thought would be mechanical and change-driven into more of an exploration. I also feel there was heartfelt support and caring offered by all the group members to one another. As a coach, I have learned to listen attentively and to be curious. I want to bring this kind of listening into other spaces in my life and am grateful to have been part of this. — Sheri Schipporeit
Holy friends has provided me the forum to hold myself accountable in a way that would not have been possible during COVID-19. What a joy to be surrounded by positive, thoughtful people who listen, challenge and support each other. I have felt a strength and resilience enabling me to thrive during this period of less connectedness. — Judy Nix
As a newcomer to [this church], I am grateful to come to know people in deeply personal ways through holy friends. What a gift to have such remarkable grounding in this time of distress and uncertainty. Thoughtful leadership and the intentional format nudge us to explore our experiences and dreams, which we share in a caring, safe space. I emerge each time with a heart full of love for the resilience and strength of my holy friends, for their bright minds and good humor, for the way I feel nurtured and supported by them. — Barb Cleveland
Holy friends is an amazing group who shows up and dares to be themselves each and every session. Everyone has been vulnerable in their stories that are hard, real and without judgment. I feel I have been able to be a better listener than I was prior to starting this group coaching. I am impressed by the emotional and intellectual intelligence of these women. I am thankful for the love and support this new experience has given to my life. — Rene’e James
Our group has been a life-enhancing gift to me. It is a safe venue for authentic connection, personal growth and nurturing relationships. I learn from both the exploration of my own experiences and also from the experiences of others, and the conversations stay with me on a daily basis between meetings. I am grateful for the process, the leadership and opportunity for genuine conversation about the things that matter most to our hearts. — Jeanette Beeger
My holy friends are wonderful listeners. Sometimes they have experienced something similar and sometimes not. But they are always careful, empathetic listeners with unique perspectives on life. I trust them to hear my pain and my joy and to treat my feelings with honor and confidentiality. This has been a powerful growth experience for me. — Lynn Scroggin
If this sounds intriguing to you, I encourage you to experiment. While I have specialized training as a leadership coach, most pastors receive plenty of training in active listening skills and could train leaders in how to create the space for holy friendships to flourish. I’m also happy to share the group coaching model I use, but there are many effective ways of organizing the time. Resources like Jennifer Britton’s “Effective Group Coaching” can provide further ideas and support. The most important thing is to lean into our birthright as holy friends and help others lay hold of the gifts they are afraid to claim and dream dreams they otherwise would not. We need as much of that as we can get these days, friends.
Ken Evers-Hood is the pastor of Tualatin Presbyterian Church just outside of Portland, Oregon. The author of “The Irrational Jesus” and “The Irrational David,” Ken also teaches leadership at Duke Divinity School and Portland Seminary. You can find his work at thalassaconsulting.com.
