I sometimes use a practice called the wheel of awareness, which I learned from reading Daniel J. Siegel, a clinical professor of psychiatry at the University of California, Los Angeles. The wheel of awareness is a mindfulness tool that helps people to practice becoming more aware of their total self. To do the wheel of awareness, you first draw a small circle with your name inside it. This is the center of your wheel. Next, draw an outer circle for the rim of your wheel, and connect the rim to your center with some spokes. Then, along the rim of the wheel, write down all the things that are true about yourself.
For me (and probably most people), the first things I think to write down along the rim are the things causing me anxiety or grief. In almost two years living in a pandemic, I assume anxiety and grief have been the modus operandi for most people, and, to be honest, my anxiety and grief are the reasons I use the wheel of awareness. They are real parts of my life, and I need to acknowledge them and see them as part of my experience (i.e., my wheel). However, they are not the only parts of my experience, and so I keep on writing. I sit and contemplate all that is happening in my life. Then I write down more of it along the rim of my wheel.
When I used the wheel of awareness today, some of the first things I wrote down were: “COVID is affecting my church,” and “I’m worried for my kids.” I live in a state where COVID is surging again. Many people in my church have recently tested positive or have friends and family testing positive. Some of them have died. I’m vaccinated and boosted, but I have young kids who are ineligible to be vaccinated. I worry about their safety. I keep writing.
“My daughter wanted snuggles this morning.” She was the next one awake after me, and came downstairs to find me and snuggled up in my lap while I finished my coffee and my morning reading. I felt very grateful for her. I keep writing. “I love the outdoors.” I recently went on a hike with my family and remembered just how much being outside in the woods makes my soul feel alive. I keep writing. “I experience joy in writing.” I find writing to be intellectually stimulating, spiritually enriching, and cathartic. (Thank you for giving me that opportunity by reading this blog post!) I finish writing with the statement, “Refugee house.” My congregation recently renovated a residence we own next to the church in order to house a family of refugees from Afghanistan. In fact, as I finish writing this piece at 8:30 p.m., I’m in the church office waiting for a caravan of church members to arrive from the airport to bring them to their new home.
As I observe the wheel of awareness, what do I see? I see the stress and loss of the pandemic. It’s real, and I can’t ignore it. But I also now see so much more. I see the joy that I have in my life through my children and my interests. I see the incredible work that God is doing through my congregation to provide safety and hope to a family in crisis. All of these other things are just as real as my stress, and it’s important that I acknowledge them, too.
The benefit of using something like the wheel of awareness is that it helps us to cultivate gratitude. It’s not an appeal to “look at the bright side” or to “be more positive” or to “smile more.” It is a tool to help us become more aware of all the things that are actually happening in our lives and to take an accurate account of them in context of our whole lives.
When we experience stress, it can feel like the only thing happening to us. By seeing that we are more than just the individual moments we experience throughout a day, it can be liberating and a source of peace. I often wonder when God revealed God’s name to Moses as “I Am Who I Am,” did God really mean something like “I am total self-awareness”? At the start of a new year, I hope to experience more self-awareness and gratitude and maybe even discover more of God in the process.
