Caring for a congregation is difficult work. To equip pastors, deacons, Stephen Ministers and others who share in this ministry, the Outlook has curated a short list of recent releases (with a few classics) to add to your pastoral care bookshelf. These are the resources you’ll want on hand, to reference in your own work or thoughtfully offer to another in need.
Aging and end-of-life planning…
Being Mortal: Medicine and What Matters in the End
Atul Gawande
Metropolitan Books, 297 pages
October 7, 2014
What does a good day look like? And how does this help us speak about aging, illness, death, and end-of-life decisions we make for ourselves or for those we love? Surgeon and med school professor Atul Gawande intersperses clinical research with personal experience to offer a profound and practical look at hospice, nursing homes and the difficult decisions older folks (and often their adult children) must make.
He is, however, more interested in how we choose to live, not die. Modern medicine permits us to live longer, yet the lack of intergenerational homes where aging Americans are cared for by family members means that we often “outsource” elder care. “Old age is a continuous series of losses,” he writes, and he believes doctors are notoriously bad at initiating conversations around quality of life with their patients.
Gawande’s discussion of the American healthcare system is fascinating, yet it is his moving stories of speaking candidly yet compassionately with patients that make Being Mortal so helpful for pastoral care. When patients understand the limited time they have left, the clarity allows them to more effectively choose how to spend their remaining time. When Gawande’s father received a terminal diagnosis, Gawande asked him a simple question: “What does a good day look like?” When I first visit with someone struggling through illness, I ask this question, and I often remind them of their response as I support them through tough decisions. Their answers provide a useful barometer as the illness progresses, a reminder of their deepest values, and often inspire them to connect with loved ones and pursue the things that bring them joy.
Our Greatest Gift: A Meditation on Dying and Caring
Henri J.M. Nouwen
HarperOne, 128 pages
First published in 1994
“Dying is the most general human event, something we all have to do. But do we do it well?… Can it somehow become an act of fulfillment, perhaps more human than any other human act?” Catholic priest and social justice practitioner Henri Nouwen suggests that we “befriend” death, learning to speak openly about our own inevitable passing. If we are walking alongside a loved one preparing for death, Nouwen encourages us to look to Jesus, who “continued to announce his death as something good, something full of blessing, full of promise, full of hope.”
We, of course, are not Jesus — but we are called to live by his example. Can we also follow his example to speak openly about our deaths, telling our stories and encouraging those we love to share theirs, confident that “the beauty of life is that it bears fruit long after life itself has come to an end.”
Our Greatest Gift is a small, personal book, full of stories from those who inspired Nouwen—a beloved sister-in-law who created art and resisted platitudes as she endured a long illness or a dear member of the L’Arche community (the Canadian home where those with intellectual disabilities live alongside caregivers) whose gentle passing inspired the community to share stories and give thanks. Nouwen writes to us all — pastors and friends walking alongside loved ones, those seeking to make meaning of terminal diagnoses or loss, and anyone who acknowledges they will eventually die and chooses to use that knowledge to inform how they live.
Loss and grief
Grieving Room: Making Space for all the Hard Things After Death and Loss
Leanne Friesen
Broadleaf Books, 241 pages
Published February 6, 2024
While there is no definitive book on coping with the trauma of loss and death, Grieving Room comes close. Pastor Leanne Friesen is truly a “wounded healer,” writing from the heartbreaking experience of losing a middle-aged sister to cancer, with enough distance to share both theological reflections and practical suggestions for how to best support others, as well as to cope with our own losses.
“In uncertain times, perfect faith or cheerful optimism is not always what we need most. Sometimes we need room for a little uncertainty,” Friesen writes. She then explores what it looks like to give others room to grieve (and rage, lament, talk about it and even to “never get over it.”) Friesen deftly moves from poignancy to regret to rage (and to a kind of resurrection), demonstrating that grief doesn’t follow a tidy process. And when our faith compels us to offer platitudes such as “just have faith” or “think positive,” we can cause deep pain to those already suffering.
One Advent, I visited with a church member who’d received a terminal diagnosis. “What does hope look like for me?” she asked. Friesen wrestles with this question, returning to (Gospel writer) Mark’s story of “a dad who said to Jesus: ‘I do believe. Help me overcome my unbelief.’” Grieving Room is the book I’ll share with this friend and with anyone accompanying a loved one through illness — or experiencing it themself.
Feeling Your Way Through Grief: A Companion for Life After Loss
Missy Buchanan
Upper Room Books, 160 pages
Published August 1, 2024
In the year following her husband’s death, Missy Buchanan’s grief was triggered by everything from holidays and changing seasons to the sight of a favorite rocking chair or faded coffee mug. She addresses short letters to her beloved, followed by a simple prompt to the reader, creating community with others who have lost a spouse. Feeling Your Way Through Grief is intentionally short (intended for those still in the fog of loss) and bittersweet, although it concludes with the one-year anniversary of the loss. While her pain becomes less raw and more hopeful, Buchanan does not feel the need to “package” her journey, instead offering companionship to others in their own stages of grief.
Grieving the Death of a Mother/Grieving the Death of a Father
Harold Ivan Smith
Broadleaf Books
Re-published July 16, 2024
Grief educator and former funeral director Harold Ivan Smith has written several books on loss, offering them as “one son sharing his road map with other pilgrims who have lost (a parent) and are desperately trying to make sense of the experience.” His recurring theme – you are not alone – reminds us that we can learn from others, support each other and take comfort from a God who knows our pain.
Grieving the Death of a Mother or Grieving the Death of a Father will be particularly useful to caregivers who accompany others through their losses. Smith realizes that each loss is different — some have lost their “chief cheerleader” or the only one who loved them unconditionally. Others struggle with the ambivalence of losing a parent who abandoned or abused them. Reading his thoughtful stories and absorbing his wisdom will allow us to be more compassionate as we ask gentle questions or invite someone to share a remembrance of their parent.
Smith does not intend us to read these cover-to-cover, but rather to keep handy during our own journeys of grief. Each follows a similar pattern through death, passing, mourning, burial, grieving and remembering before bringing us to tangible ways to honor our parents’ memories.
Broken Heart, Shared Heart, Healing Heart: Navigating the Loss of Your Pet
Barbara Allen
Broadleaf Books, 176 pages
Published June 25, 2024
Barbara Allen, Australia’s first animal hospital chaplain, offers a gentle guide to those struggling with the loss of a beloved companion — whether a cat, dog, hamster, horse, snake or other creature, the loss is real. “We grieve because we love,” she writes. It’s common to feel ashamed of or confused by the depth of pain we feel at the loss of a pet; animal companions offer unconditional love and constant presence, and we don’t need to justify our grief. Returning home to an empty house can trigger sadness for months or years after a loss, sometimes more tangibly than the grief we feel when losing a distant (yet deeply loved) friend or relative.
Broken Heart, Shared Heart, Healing Heart is a book to press into the hands of someone seeking healing after losing a pet, as well as a useful guide for pastors and other caregivers who walk alongside them. Allen artfully describes stages of grief and suggests useful responses to common situations, such as the guilt that may accompany an animal’s accidental death. Her section on spiritual resources is vast, drawing on traditions from Christian to Hindu to new age, treating each with respect. She offers practical resources as well, including books for parents to share with children, ritual and burial options, and ways to address common triggers, such as sleeping without a fur baby’s familiar presence. Allen’s charming stories of famous people and their beloved pets (Florence Nightingale’s owl! Maurice Sendak’s dog!) provide poignant reflections in between weighty topics.
Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief Workbook
David Kessler
Bridge City Books, 168 pages
Published October 1, 2024
David Kessler is an internationally known expert on grief and loss — he’s even co-written books with Elisabeth Kübler-Ross (who introduced us to the five stages of grief associated with dying). Kessler and Kübler-Ross adapted the five stages to describe common responses to grief among the living, and Kessler took it a step further, exploring how we can work through our pain to find meaning.
Kessler explores this “sixth stage” in his 2020 book Finding Meaning; the 2024 workbook is intended as a companion or standalone resource for those looking to find hope after loss. He honors his readers’ agency, noting that there’s no single timeline or approach to move from “trauma to transformation,” yet he encourages them to grow through the pain — to move from despair to a place where grieving comes from love, not suffering.
“When someone we love dies, that loss – and that love – has an amazing power to transform us,” Kessler writes. The Finding Meaning Workbook is a gentle companion for anyone open to transformation following a loss. I would offer it as a gift to a congregation member or resource for a grief group.
Prayers and blessings
While journeying with someone in need of care, it helps to have “go to” resources — prayers and poems to include in an email or to text to someone in need of reassurance. These books also make meaningful gifts for someone in the hospital, after a funeral, or in other difficult moments.
Ash and Starlight: Prayers for the Chaos & Grace of Daily Life
Arianne Braithwaite Lehn
Chalice Press, 144 pages
Published October 22, 2019
The prayers in this collection from Arianne Braithwaite Lehn display her deep conviction that we are ash and starlight, humanity formed of earth and heaven. As she puts it, “Prayer is how I pilgrimage through the dust and splendor of my own life.”
The death of her beloved father during her pregnancy became an occasion to go deeper. It also launched her courage to put these prayers into print after praying them weekly during her pastoral ministry. In doing so, Braithwaite Lehn has joined the company of John Baillie, providing daily prayers in ordinary language for her readers whom she describes as “sibling pilgrims” on a journey.
Each prayer is for a specific occasion, yet it leads toward an intimacy with God. Helpfully, she accompanies each prayer with a set of Scriptures for meditation. All of us have times when our words fail us. These prayers grant us words and join us to a company of those other pilgrims searching for God.
The Lives We Actually Have: 100 Blessings for Imperfect Days
by Kate Bowler and Jessica Richie
Convergent Books, 256 pages
Published February 14, 2023
Oh, dear ones (as Kate Bowler says), if your days are tough or tedious, this might be the devotional for you. She and Jessica Richie respond to a culture of “#blessed” with a volume of poetic blessings that illuminate the good and holy in all of us, while also revealing what is enduring about God.
The Lives We Actually Have speaks to situations from the traumatic – loss of loved ones, suffering, feeling abandoned by God – to the quotidian – sleeplessness, exhaustion or just plain grouchiness. In 2024, Bowler followed with Have a Beautiful, Terrible Day!, a second book of blessings for the “ups, downs, and in-betweens.”
Irreverent Prayers: Talking to God When You’re Seriously Sick
Elizabeth Felicetti and Samantha Vincent-Alexander
Eerdmans, 182 pages
Published July 2, 2024
There’s a rawness to Elizabeth Felicetti and Samantha Vincent-Alexander’s writing that makes it tough to read; and there’s a realness that makes it essential. These two Episcopal priests write with candor and dark humor about their own experiences with serious illness. In one breath they curse hospital diapers or celebrate the hospital’s standard issue “one size fits all” undies and in the next they give thanks for a blood transfusion or implore God to help them breathe. Irreverent Prayers demonstrates a fierce faith in God and as a generous grace toward well-intentioned friends who thoughtlessly implore the authors to “get better fast” or “enjoy (their) time at home.”
I minister with those who suffer from serious illnesses, chronic pain, and any number of physical challenges. I often pray that God will give me the “just right” words; now I turn to Irreverent Prayers for help as well. The authors’ commentary in-between prayers reminds me to avoid useless platitudes while language from their prayers makes its way into the many texts and e-mails I exchange. Irreverent Prayers will accompany me into hospitals and homes of people facing their own illnesses.
Felicetti’s lung cancer returned before Irreverent Prayers was published, and she recently died. I would love to describe this poignantly, but in the spirit of her writing, I will say that it sucks. She and Vincent-Alexander have given us a gift, however, and for that I am grateful.
