by Kenneth Phelps
Amanda bursts with excitement as she finds the perfect wedding dress. Her bridesmaids compliment her selection: “You look so beautiful. Mark is definitely going to cry when he sees you walking down the aisle.”
The months prior were full of decisions. Where is the best venue? What flavor would be most appetizing to guest — chocolate or vanilla? Would lilies or roses be a better choice? What colors should be used on the napkins? Amanda and Mark had been planning their special day with intense precision. They felt excited to share their commitment with friends and family, beaming with eagerness for their upcoming nuptials.
Like many couples, they had been spending months in discussion about their wedding day (lasting on average five hours), but had spent very little time in conversation about their marriage (ideally lasting a lifetime). What about the other questions: If one of us is feeling distant or hurt, how can we talk about those emotions? How do we want to integrate our faith into our marriage? What boundaries should we be mindful of setting with our families of origin? How do we plan to balance work and home life when we have children?
Though approximately 95 percent of people rate having a happy marriage as an important objective in life, first-time marriages end in divorce 40-50 percent of the time. Unfortunately, many couples get caught in a cycle of planning their weddings rather than planning their marriage. Often fueled by the infatuation phase of a relationship, couples overlook even obvious warning signs with the belief that love will conquer any struggle. Premarital therapy offers a space for couples to be intentional about their future, identifying strength and growth areas of relational functioning.
Premarital prevention
Premarital prevention is a recent area of scientific inquiry. This term has been used to describe the standardized programs, often with a skills-based focus, to prepare couples for successful marriage. The existing programs include a premarital assessment questionnaire, such as Facilitating Open Couple Communication, Understanding and Study (FOCCUS), Relationship Evaluation (RELATE) and Premarital Preparation and Relationship Enhancement (PREPARE). These questionnaires and their associated programs help to identify growths and strengths in a myriad of individual and relational factors.
Couples often sit full of trepidation as they wait to hear their agreement or compatibility in marital expectation. Premarital counselors can take this data and work with couples to systematically address a number of hot button topics including finances, sex, childrearing and boundaries. This approach has been supported by short-term research, showing effectiveness for up to several years post nuptials. The use of assessment with normative data, as well as topic-specific conversations is seen as best practice.
From science to art
While the abovementioned programs provide valuable information to those counseling couples on the threshold of marriage, they provide more information on the what of marriage (content) than on the how of having a substantive conversation with couples in your office (process). It can be challenging to take wide-grinning fiancés who say, “We are so in love, we have no problems,” into deeper relational dialogue.
To set the appropriate tone, the therapeutic work should start with an emphasis on the significance of this commitment and importance of the work. For instance, “Amanda and Mark, I am so glad to spend some focused time with you this evening addressing one of the most significant decisions you’ll make in your life. The work you put into discussing the ‘what ifs’ now will help you feel more connected and attuned when the relational storms occur.”
The counselor should be particularly mindful of creating safety in the opening moments of premarital work. Safety is created through use of:
- Attuned nonverbal behavior: This might occur through eye contact during the visit, leaning forward to hear more details about a first meeting or nodding when learning of past relational breaks.
- Reflective listening and summarizing: This involves repeating back to the couple what you hear them saying. The true need of any human being is to be seen and heard; thus, having our statements reflected to us in an anxiety-provoking situation can calm the sympathetic nervous system. For instance, “Mark, it sounds like you are really worried about how you all might handle relocation following your graduate training. Is this right? Did I hear your primary concern accurately? What is it like for you to hear this, Amanda?”
- Normalization: Informing couples that their worries or difficulties occur commonly amongst individuals or couples can be reassuring for new couples. For example, “Amanda, I have heard many people say that they are concerned about differences in spending habits. The beauty of marriage is finding ways to understand your partner’s perspective rather than changing it. This itself brings you closer together even with your differences.”
- Metaphor and story: The use of metaphors or stories helps to increase the emotional mind in the room and can trigger affect. Using reflective listening and nonverbal attunement can be particularly meaningful when couples are sharing affect-driven statements. When listening closely, couples often bring these metaphors into the work. Questions that cue metaphors or stories include: “What was it like for you? Share with me a story of when you most felt the most alone or the most united? How can you work together to reach for one another if you ever feel that way again?”
Key questions
A variety of questions can be helpful when working with premarital couples. The purpose of such questions is not to gather information, but to help the couple think about their relationship in a deeper, attachment-driven manner. These questions can be integrated alongside a counselor’s current practices, which often include practical discussions around relational expectations.
- “Share what it was like when you first met one another. What were the characteristics that really drew you to one another?” This can lead to a fruitful discussion around those things that enthrall us about a partner that often end up being the things that irritate us in life’s difficult moments (i.e., the flip flop effect). Amanda may have found Mark’s hardworking nature appealing early in their marriage, but when their first child was born she was irritated by his working long hours and his preoccupation with the yard’s tidiness.
- “Tell your partner about a time when you felt the most connected. What was that like for you? What did your partner do to make you feel cared for, seen, and valued in those moments?”
- “What are your greatest fears about marriage? Where do you worry are your blind spots? Where do you doubt yourself the most?”
- “What do you see as the most important characteristic of successful marriages? What makes you choose that characteristic? Did you see this in your own family? How did what you see in your own family shape what you value? What would be the most meaningful way to include this characteristic into your own union?”
- “Talk with me about the Scripture you’ve chosen for your ceremony. Have you been living this Scripture out in your relationship so far? How might you remind yourself of these values each day of your marriage? What would it be like to apply these words to the hardest relational times in your life?”
There are countless questions that can be included into premarital therapy. This brief menu of possibilities illustrate that the nature of questioning is not, “How do you fight fair?” but rather “How do you pull closer and emotionally connect?” We know people can often solve problems with co-workers, friends or colleagues, yet struggle deeply with their most intimate relationships. Thus, the therapeutic work does not center on using an “I statement,” but on how to do this while connecting with one’s own desire to be near to our companion.
In this process, there are a number of red flags that should be monitored: Criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling and contempt have been identified by John Gottman, a researcher and relational expert, as detrimental to relational health and even predictive of divorce. Additionally, untreated depression, anxiety or another mental health disorder should be referred for individual treatment. As always, intimate partner violence is contraindicated for relational therapy and both members of the couple should be referred for their own mental health care
In his book “The Meaning of Marriage,” Timothy Keller wrote, “The gospel is this: We are more sinful and flawed in ourselves than we ever dared believe, yet at the very same time we are more loved and accepted in Jesus Christ than we ever dared hope.” In many ways, this is also what I attempt to convey to premarital couples. Marriage is not about changing or healing your spouse; it is about seeing them in their darkest moment, their best moments, and all that lies in between. It is about friendship. As Keller notes, “Friendship is a deep oneness that develops when two people, speaking the truth in love to one another, journey together to the same horizon.” To do premarital counseling is to be given the privilege of guiding the start of this journey. Let’s set them off to a path that builds a deep bond with both God and one another.
KENNETH PHELPS is an assistant clinical professor of neuropsychiatry and behavioral science at the University of South Carolina School of Medicine. He is a licensed marriage and family therapist and a member of Shandon Presbyterian Church.
