Guest commentary by Don Meeks
Editor’s note: In the weeks following the 223rd General Assembly, on Fridays we will publish commentary expressing opinions on and responses to the actions of the assembly.
This week, while interpreting my recent experience as a commissioner to the 223rd General Assembly, I had an “a-ha!” moment. I offer this reflection in the hope that others may benefit from a new way of thinking about our shared life together.
I wasted no time in gathering with church members in the days following the assembly. After sharing my overall impressions of GA (as part family reunion, part Easter Sunday worship, part congressional hearing and part justice summit), I offered my observations of the issues and passions expressed by commissioners, committees and advocacy groups.
I recounted the proceedings on divestment, the Middle East and LGBTQIA+ inclusion. I spoke about the Way Forward and broadening whose voices are at the table. I did my best to unpack environmental racism, white supremacy and a rising per capita request.
Every time I spoke, however, I noticed the same knitted brows, side-eye glances and puzzled looks. And their questions had a remarkably similar sound: Did people refer to the Bible much when making their arguments? What kind of focus was there on evangelism and church planting? Is anyone gathering data on the differences between growing and declining churches?
In so many words, what I heard folks asking was quite simple: Are these our people? Do they love what we love? Do we even speak the same language?
It became clear to me that the concerns spoken at GA were, for many of our members, as in a foreign tongue. And that’s when I took a stab at something that led to the a-ha! moment.
I asked how many were familiar with the concept of “love languages” as developed by Gary Chapman. A few were. I explained Chapman’s idea that people tend to express and experience emotional connection in five different ways: affirming words, receiving gifts, quality time, acts of service or physical touch. Chapman suggests that each of us has a primary love language that we use to convey and receive love. When we speak one another’s primary love language, deep and strong emotional connections form. Conversely, when one’s love language is not spoken well, a sense of emotional distance occurs.
I shared the example of a husband who comes home from work and begins folding laundry all while his wife waits on the couch for him to share his day with her. Both sense a growing emotional distance in their marriage. Chapman would suggest the reason being that his primary love language is acts of service and hers is quality time. Ironically, while both are saying “I love you,” both are feeling unloved.
Then I reminded our folks about the six Great Ends of the Church. I wondered aloud if we should think about each of these Great Ends as a distinct “love language” within the Presbyterian family. For some, the proclamation of the gospel (read as evangelism) makes their hearts come alive. For others, working for the shelter and nurture of God’s children (read as affirming welcome and inclusion) gives deep meaning to their lives.
As I worked through each of the Great Ends, I mapped out where I had heard this love language being spoken at GA. The maintenance of divine worship declared in the glorious music and rich liturgy we shared. The promotion of social righteousness proclaimed in the march to end cash bail. The preservation of the truth lifted up through biblical references undergirding the work of committees and in plenary. And the exhibition of the kingdom/kin-dom of heaven as the golden song humming throughout the entire week.
Almost immediately I saw people’s eyes light up. So what you’re saying Don is that everyone doesn’t necessarily speak the same love language in the PC(USA). Yep, that’s what I’m saying.
I received emails during the week saying they “got it.” Others stopped me in the church office to say how much this idea helped them see denominational differences in a new light. By God’s grace, this will lead to fresh insights and a greater love for the larger church among our members.
Our PC(USA) family is blessed not only with five but sixdistinct and beautiful love languages. We have enshrined these in chapter one of our Form of Government. When each is spoken clearly with energy, intelligence, imagination and love, we should expect to find deep and wide connections in our pulpits and pews… and in our GA plenary.
In recent years, however, I sense the fluency with our great-end love languages has diminished and narrowed. I suspect this narrowing is why many have lost a sense of connection to the larger church. And like the husband who keeps folding laundry with a futile intensity, we may be discovering that a passion for one particular love language only leaves others in the Presbyterian family wanting.
I wonder what would happen if we were to think about our Presbyterian family in light of the Great Ends as love languages? Could this help us to view those who speak a different language as siblings rather than as strangers? Can we learn to appreciate – or better yet celebrate – the fluency our siblings have mastered that we may have lost (or never had at all)? Can we recommit to speaking all six of these time-tested languages in our pulpits and pews, in our publications and plenary?
I am grateful for the honor of being chosen to represent our Greenwich church family and the National Capital Presbytery at the 223rdGeneral Assembly. I remain hopeful that the God of every tongue can once again teach us how to speak the language of love more fully to one another — but more importantly, to a broken and needy world.
For the past 17 years, DON MEEKS has served as the pastor of Greenwich Presbyterian Church in Nokesville, Virginia, near the historical Manassas battlefield. Don is active in The Fellowship Community and with NEXT Church, and recently served as a commissioner to the 223rd General Assembly in St. Louis.
