The hardest task for a minister is being the former pastor, especially if you were beloved by many.
While pastor of the church, you were invited in for the most intimate and special events in people’s lives–baptisms, weddings, illnesses, death. Not only were you honored by being trusted to share in those times, you were needed by individuals and families during those marker happenings in their lives. You formed deep and lasting friendships with people in your congregation.
Leaving the pastorate within that congregation means leaving all those meaningful connections behind. That can be painful, difficult, and lonely. But just as a family doctor does not continue to prescribe or perform surgery on former patients after retiring or moving to another community, so a minister is no longer a pastor to those who used to be his/her parishioners.
Because this is such a difficult task for a minister, some try a variety of ways to avoid the pain for themselves and/or their former parishioners. Some say, “I’d love to officiate at your wedding but I am not allowed to by the presbytery.” True, the presbytery and the denomination have ethics policies that address the role of former pastors and their non-involvement with former congregations. But blaming the presbytery or denomination is not a healthy way to help former congregants connect to their current pastor nor to have positive feelings for their broader church. Indeed one of the ordination vows ministers are asked to make is: “Will you be governed by our church’s polity, and will you abide by its discipline? Will you be a friend among your colleagues in ministry, working with them, subject to the ordering of God’s Word and Spirit?” [G-14.0405b.(5)] Continuing to pastor the flock that has another shepherd can hardly be seen as being a friend among colleagues in ministry.
Another way in which some ministers avoid facing their own sense of pain and loss of important relationships is to say, “I’d love to be the minister at the funeral of your loved one … if it is okay with the current pastor.” Once again, this undercuts the efficacy of the current pastor. Especially at those marker events in congregants’ lives, the current pastor can hardly afford to anger his/her flock by saying, “No, you cannot invite your beloved former pastor to be the minister at this time in your life.” Former pastors who learn to say “No” in loving, caring ways are true friends to their successors. He/she may attend the funeral as friend. But the bereaved have a pastor and it is not the former minister.
Ministers may choose to avoid cutting their ties and role as pastor to former congregants by working out a plan in which he/she will officiate at funerals, weddings, etc. as long as those events are not held in the former pastor’s church building. This way is especially damaging. Congregants are forced to choose between their church and their former pastor. People who might have preferred to have the funeral in their church are forced to have the service at the mortuary so that their former pastor can continue as their pastor, a role that he/she no longer has. Another has taken his/her place.
Continuing to allow congregants to hang on to their past relationship with the minister rather than encouraging, urging, facilitating their transferring trust, respect, and confidence to their current minister is against the ordination vows. “Will you in your own life seek to follow the Lord Jesus Christ, love your neighbors, and work for the reconciliation of the world?” (G-14.0405b.(6)) “Following the Lord Jesus Christ” includes allowing for Christ, our Savior, to be the center of former congregants’ lives rather than a former minister being their prime attachment. “Loving your neighbors,” means loving people enough to let them be free to develop new relationships with new ministers and church leaders. “Working for reconciliation of the world” includes not inserting oneself into the work and ministry of one’s successor(s).
Being the former pastor IS one of the most difficult tasks any minister faces. If there is only one Presbyterian Church in a community, then former ministers either need to choose to move OR to be especially diligent about being unavailable for those ties which bound for so long and can continue to bind. Finding a home for worship may be challenging … especially at first. After the new minister has established himself/herself in the hearts and minds of the congregation, then being a part of the congregation MIGHT be a possibility.
Being a beloved former pastor is a cherished role. Becoming a “thorn in the flesh BFP” is not. Letting go is a sacrificial way to continue loving and caring for people for whom you carried the burden so long. Allowing them, even gently pushing them, to give the same kind of love and loyalty to another is a kind and generous thing to do, especially for the life and mission of the church to which you gave yourself. But it is not easy.
Beth Templeton is chair of the Committee on Ministry, Foothills Presbytery.
