When we are hurt or offended, we cover our tender hearts to protect against further “heart attack.” Underneath the cover–denial, resentment, or rage–can come pain, memories, and flashbacks. If we are honest with ourselves, we reluctantly admit that in the late show that plays in our mind, we often watch reruns of hatred, resentment, bitterness, hostility, anger and fear. Worse yet, these images and thoughts do not always intrude forcefully. We too often invite and indulge them. Then we feel vandalized, ashamed, and violated because of the ugliness we permitted our minds dwell upon. How can we stop these experiences of un-forgiveness, bidden and unbidden?
In the disciples’ prayer (Mt. 6:12, 14-5; NIV), Jesus made our Divine forgiveness dependent on whether we forgive those who harm us. This sounds simple. It isn’t. Forgiveness is difficult because of the way memories work, misunderstandings of forgiveness, and not knowing how to forgive. Most of us struggle with un-forgiveness. In this brief article, I hope to give you a new way of understanding forgiveness that will help you forgive more often and more deeply.
The celebration of Easter and the veil of un-forgiveness
My most memorable Easter occurred during my young adulthood. I attended a Roman Catholic church. During Lent, the decorations in the church were shrouded beneath a veil. On Easter, the veils were thrown off in a joyful celebration of the resurrection. The resurrection is certain evidence that God forgives people’s sins on the basis of Jesus’ self-sacrifice for us. His resurrection celebrated a triumph of love–mercy and justice–over evil. Resurrection marked forgiveness and love as the centerpieces of Christianity.
When we are offended or hurt, a veil over our injured hearts can allow dark things to grow there, prevent us from seeing the light, and inhibit the freedom of forgiveness. God wants us to forgive, and not to keep forgiveness clutched privately against our hearts. Instead, out of gratitude for what God has done for us, we are to forgive others. But knowing that God desires that we emotionally experience forgiveness and requires that we decide to forgive our transgressors does not make granting interpersonal forgiveness easy. What keeps the veil covering our hearts?
What keeps the veil in place?
Ongoing Conflict
When wounds happen between people, ongoing conflict prevents healing from occurring. Conflict inflicts new wounds. Conflict can also spread to larger groups. Workgroups, families, congregations, and even our General Assembly can foster mistrust, anger, and un-forgiveness. Those hurts sometimes last for generations.
Failure to get past the past
I saw evidence of historic hurts in a recent trip to Hong Kong. I was conducting a workshop on forgiveness. An elderly man talked about the Japanese invasion of China. Soon most participants–even young adults–added their two cents worth. Faulkner, in Requiem for a Nun, said, “The past is not dead. I’m not sure it is even past.”
Lack of understanding
I have studied forgiveness for almost 20 years. Of this, I am convinced: Few people understand forgiveness well.
· Forgiveness is not reconciliation. Reconciliation is restoration of trust, which is earned through mutually trustworthy behavior. Forgiveness happens inside my skin. I can forgive my dead father, but I cannot reconcile with him.
· Forgiveness is not acceptance. Acceptance is saying, “Bad things happen, but I’m choosing not to react and to move on.”
· Forgiving is not forbearing. Forbearance is suppressing negative reactions.
· Forgiveness is not forgetting. Forgiveness is remembering–but differently.
· Forgiveness is not condoning. Condoning turns a blind eye to wrongdoing. Forgiving assumes wrongdoing, but in spite of it, I forgive.
· Forgiveness is not exoneration. Exoneration is discovering that a person, whom I thought had done wrong, had in fact not done wrong.
· Forgiveness is not pardoning. Pardoning is societal. A governor pardons a crime, which I might or might not forgive.
· Forgiveness is not the opposite of justice. They often work together.
Failure to love
Beneath most offenses is lack of love. Jesus unrelentingly demanded that we love others–people who love us (Eph. 5:28; 1 Peter 3:8), worship in our Christian community (1 Jn. 3:11b), and make us their enemies (Mt. 5:44). If we are called to love our enemies, how much more are we called to love Christians with whom we disagree over theology or social issues? Love entails forgiving them for harming us and seeking forgiveness if they think we have harmed them (Mt. 5:23-6). Forgiveness is the force in our heart that tries to break out from under the veil of un-forgiveness that comes from a sense of entitlement and self-importance. Forgiveness is easy to advocate, hard to do. The triune God can help us to forgive even the toughest customers.
How God helps us to forgive
The Holy Spirit helps raise the veil
The Spirit defeats conflict. The Holy Spirit, called by Jesus, “The Comforter,” brings peace. When we are enmeshed in a conflict, the Holy Spirit admonishes peacemaking and comfort. Jesus appeared to the disciples. He said, Peace be with you! … Receive the Holy Spirit. If you forgive anyone his sins, they are forgiven; if you do not forgive them, they are not forgiven (Jn, 20:21-2).
The Spirit gets us past the past. When Jesus appears to the disciples after his resurrection, he tells them what the Holy Spirit will bring to their remembrance (Jn. 14:26). The Holy Spirit helps with memories.
People have remarkably faulty memories, yet we are sure we remember accurately. Three psychological studies on memory will make you think about it differently.
First, Elizabeth Loftus had all people watch the same video of a two-car accident. In debriefing, the use of the word “smashed” with half instead of “hit” resulted in that group seeing more broken glass, higher impact, and more destruction than the actual accident.
Second, people saw a stranger “steal” a book. Half wrote a description of the thief. Half did not. Those who wrote were less accurate in identifying the person from a police lineup than people who did not write their description. The more people talk about their memories, the more that their memories are shaped by what they say aloud than by what actually happened.
Third, after September 11, 2001, people who lost a loved one in the New York towers were compared with people who lost an acquaintance, and people who did not know anyone who died in the towers. Those who lost someone close to them did not remember more accurately the events of the day, but they were more certain they remembered correctly.
What do these studies suggest? An offended person is usually juiced with adrenaline. The person remembers some things vividly but misremembers other important details. The more a victim complains about the harm suffered, the offender’s malicious intent, and the event’s negative impact, the more the person will remember the event as being horrible and the offender as horrid. And the victim will be convinced that he or she is correct.
The Holy Spirit helps us to forgive despite our warped memories and our certainty that we remember accurately. The Holy Spirit helps us follow God’s Word and align our hearts with the Father’s forgiving heart. In response, we need to cooperate with the Holy Spirit by curbing our tongue (James 3:1-12).
Jesus can help us understand forgiveness
Jesus taught people to forgive better. First, he taught the Disciples’ Prayer, telling us that if we do not forgive, God won’t forgive our sins. That forgiveness is decisional forgiveness. Decisional forgiveness is a decision to not act vengefully or hatefully. I can be decisionally forgiving of a transgressor while still feeling angry, resentful, and full of hate towards the person. Emotional forgiveness is replacing negative, unforgiving emotions with more positive, other oriented emotions–like empathy, sympathy, compassion, or love. At first, this replacement neutralizes the negativity, until I feel no negative emotions. With a stranger, I might stop there. With a loved one, I want to move beyond neutral feelings to keep increasing my love.
God requires decisional forgiveness (Mt. 6: 12, 14-5). If we don’t forgive, we face the consequences of the sins at the believers’ judgment (1 Cor. 3:10-5). God desires emotional forgiveness (Lk. 15:11-32). God admonishes us to forgive–immediately. We are not to wait until we think an offender has repented. Yes, as Jesus said, If your brother sins, rebuke him and if he repents, forgive him, What he did not say but is a clear message of Scripture, is, “If your brother does not repent, also forgive him.” That is the very message implied in forgiving even our enemies and in Jesus’ prayer for forgiveness of those who crucified him.
Justice does not conflict with forgiveness. They take place in different levels. In 1996, my mother was beaten to death by a youthful burglar. I forgave the murderer. But if the police caught him, he would still be liable to society for the murder. My forgiveness (or lack of forgiveness) does not affect the justice system.
Decisional forgiveness is required, not reconciliation. Jesus did not reconcile with the Pharisees and with those who condemned him to the cross. God won’t reconcile with Satan. The Apostle Paul tells us that as far as it is up to us, we are to live at peace with all people (Rom 14:19). It is not always up to us. If an adversary is determined to fight, then peace won’t exist unless we simply cave in.
God the Father, through love, raises the veil
John tells us that God loved the world and gave his son, and whoever believes should live (Jn. 3:16). God is the author of love (1 Jn. 4:8b). Love is a two-edged sword that involves both justice and mercy. Thus, God exacts justice for our sin by agreeing that Jesus will die for our sin. Jesus paid the full price for all sin. But God also goes beyond the justice. God forgives. Let’s make an analogy. The court’s sentence against a murderer takes care of the full penalty under the law for the murder and yet does not relieve the victims of their pain, suffering, and anguish from the loss. Similarly, Jesus’ sacrificial death fulfilled all the demands of the law, but the Father releases his pain, suffering, and anguish over those sins through forgiving. Because we have been forgiven, we should eagerly forgive our transgressors.
How can we forgive people who have hurt us? Use these five steps I have described in Forgiving and Reconciling (InterVarsity Press). R is to Recall the hurt. E is to empathize. In humility, see things from the other person’s point of view. A is to give an Altruistic gift of forgiveness–not one that is aimed merely at making us feel better (though forgiving will make us feel better). C is to Commit to the forgiveness we experienced. We commit so that we can better H, hold on to, the forgiveness when we doubt.
Conclusion
Transgressions hurt us, and we veil our hearts in a vain effort to protect ourselves. Under that veil, un-forgiveness can grow. However, we can rely on God to build love, understanding, and shalom in our lives. We have the awesome responsibility of cooperating with God to forgive others. In doing so, we express gratitude for receiving Divine forgiveness. God has taught us how and sent the Holy Spirit to help us.
Everett L. Worthington Jr. is a Presbyterian church elder, and a professor of psychology at Virginia Commonwealth University in Richmond, Va. He served for eight years as executive director of “A Campaign for Forgiveness Research.” He has consulted on the subject of forgiveness with various governments around the world–including South Africa and Singapore.
