The pregnancy.
The Reverend Mother should be able to:
- “Get into a standing position,” despite morning sickness that kicks in by middle hymn. (Note: Around 6-8 weeks of pregnancy, RevMom needs to convince staff and congregants that she is not dreadfully hungover.)
- “Cruise” maternity leave policies .
- “Clap hands” if the congregation has one.
- If congregation does not, RevMom should be able to “indicate wants in ways other than crying.”
… will probably be able to:
- Find liturgically correct maternity clothes. Borrow from congregants. Other times in ministry, this might/will definitely be odd. But, newly pregnant, this becomes great bonding. (Note: Normal stores not sell $30 purple dresses, but maternity stores do!)
- Withstand bizarre comments. Visitor looks at your belly: “So, they let y’all do that these days?” Response: “Yes, they do now!” (Helpful Tip: Start charging for inappropriate comments. “Yes, Frank, any mention of ‘water breaking’ during the worship service will be $2.”)
- Weep in only half of the meetings. Were Judy’s devotions always this meaningful? Don’t get me started on Advent or Christmas carols. Lent? Easter? You’re done.
… may possibly be able to:
- Move something the size of an office binder without someone panicking. Forget arranging the Fellowship Hall chairs.
- Stay up past 7 p.m. Jesus fell asleep in a small boat in the middle of a storm. That starts to sound very normal.
- Plan beyond this afternoon. Between frequent OB visits, the heartburn that makes the flames of Pentecost seem very normal, unknowns in every category of life and the speculation about the due date that makes everything feel apocalyptic (“when the time comes,” “when the hour arrives,” “no one knows the hour or the day,” “signs that the day is near”), talking about Lent the following year may be a struggle.
The early years.
The Reverend Mother should be able to:
- Wave bye-bye. When maternity leave is over, it is hard to leave your baby. Period. Any childcare arrangement is hard. Few childcare arrangements cover your schedule well. In the early years, the night meetings and weekend commitments may create a separation anxiety in you. This does not really go away.
- Use words. “No” may be the hardest word for a minister to say, because ministry is a calling and there is always more to do. However, learn to develop “object permanence.” That calling will still be there tomorrow. Log off. Go home. Share ministry with others. “Sharing is caring.”
- Put on actual clothes. Stains are to be expected and can even make you think theologically about sin and baptism or radical hospitality. Sadly, while an enormous T-shirt may be just as flattering as a Genevan robe, it is not appropriate in most ministry settings. Nor are slippers. (Historical note: Most of the early church fathers/mothers seem to be wearing night gowns. Investigate this.)
The Reverend Mother will probably be able to:
- Multitask. Pureeing sweet potatoes while proofing the bulletin is possible.
- Set and hold boundaries. People understand your limitations more than ever, even if you had plans that were way more fun before children arrived.
- Do Sundays. Your child may come to church or it may not be in the cards. It may go well or they may terrorize your children’s message. No matter what, they know you love God and you love them and that has always been what children remember, even more than your wise theologizing during their (strategically asked at bedtime) questions.
- Do Christmas and Easter. Churches plan major events on these holidays every year, it seems. Sometimes you discover new family traditions. Sometimes you let go of massive expectations. Sometimes you adapt the schedule so that it is a time of both comfort and joy.
- Stay married. Have dates over lunch. Turn on Sesame Street (aka St. Elmo) and talk. Laugh.
The Reverend Mother may possibly be able to:
- Dream. Something primal has changed in you. You are re-oriented toward the needs of another in ways that surprise you. This opens up wells of compassion and sparks new connections for ministry. Ministry matters and its authenticity is more personal and important than ever.
- Settle in. Someone depends on you. Some of the grand dreams are reigned in. Health benefits and work schedule may trump the white board dreams of several years ago.
- Pray. The evening prayer time is holy. You cherish silence more than ever. You give thanks for a round pebble or a red leaf because you have seen them through new eyes. You survive a few stomach bugs (or worse ailments) and have prayed all the emotions of King David. Your body is forever changed, and you have wrestled little ones and your own soul like Jacob at the Jabbok, feeling blessed and yet limping a bit. It’s the “new normal.”
- Humble thyself. Some children seem hard; others seem easy. Some parents seem calm; others seem wild. Some people can’t have children; others have more children than they may have wanted. Most people are doing their best. Most people with grown children do not remember how long the days can be, but they certainly know how quickly the years fly by. Sermons can never fully articulate the love and pain of this journey, especially when you write them after a night of little sleep. Someone in your church will appear at the grocery store at that very moment when your child has taken out all of the greeting cards from the rack.
- Be gentle on yourself.
- Have fun play dates with your spouse and your friends.
- Whatever qualities you want for your child (resilience, creativity, bravery, honesty, servant-heartedness, faith, promise-keeping), make that your to-do list. They will emulate you, or so I am told.
- There are many people who can care for a congregation, but your children have you as their mom.
- Seek community. You are not alone in this. Community can make you a better pastor and a better parent.
The later years.
The Reverend Mother may possibly be able to:
- Ask for help. Seriously, someone else please write this part.
- My children are 3 and 5. What do I know? (see Humble thyself)
- How do you navigate sports on Sundays?
- How has your marriage grown and changed?
- What made them/you love the church? Resent the Hell out of church?
- What made you love ministry and motherhood?
- What parts left stretch marks on your soul?
- Trust God.
- With all of it.
- Even when there is so much that is out of our control.
- Even when the world seems hard and scary.
- Even if they question God.
- Even if you question God.
- God knows.
- Read “The Runaway Bunny” by Margaret Wise Brown (the same woman who wrote “Goodnight Moon”).
- Then read Psalm 139.
- God is with you. God is with your child.
- There is nothing to fear.
- Have a carrot.
Becca Messman is the associate pastor at Trinity Presbyterian Church in Herndon, Virginia. She leads “Lunch for the Soul” – a ministry with Hispanic day laborers. Her other passions are preaching and offering pastoral prayers, leading retreats, energizing church leaders to serve the community around them, youth and young adult ministry, and cultivating the “fear and trembling” holy journey of parenting. She lives in Arlington, Virginia with her husband Dave, her two young children, and her dog Luna.