The words of my mouth and the thoughts of my heart behind the words …
Almighty and most merciful God,
I thank God that you are both mighty and merciful,
for one without the other would still be nice,
but not enough; necessary, but insufficient.
If you weren’t mighty, we would sink like a stone
under the weight of sin, with no one to save us.
If you weren’t merciful,
you wouldn’t care if we sank; indeed, you might prefer it.
Honestly, I don’t know how you put up with us
and, to be specific, I don’t know how you put up
with me. Or why.
Your mercy is the only thing that explains it.
So I am bold to lay my sins at your throne of grace,
which feels sometimes more like throwing up at your feet.
I’m sorry for that, and grateful, more than words begin to say.
But I need to say them anyway. So here goes.
We have erred and strayed from thy ways like lost sheep;
we have followed too much the devices and desires of our own hearts.
I am a sheep. A stupid, senseless, wandering sheep. That’s what I am.
Why don’t I look for your direction? Why do I keep running off
to whatever bright shiny toy
or delectable fruit
or self-righteous pride
or desire to belong
beckons me,
as if there are no wolves, lurking?
I am the petulant toddler who demands that I do it myself,
the rebellious teen who gives lip-service to filial duty but immediately runs off
to whatever the crowd is doing because of course it’s more fun, until
it’s not.
I am sorry.
We have offended against thy holy laws,
Picking and choosing as I wish, pretending “love your neighbor as yourself”
or “bless those who persecute you” doesn’t count
when the soccer mom in a hurry cuts me off in traffic and I flip her off
never mind the times I’ve been the one in a hurry,
or the broken-hearted struggling friend screams at me and I’m done with him
never mind the times I’ve been the one who screams
or the neighbor who is too black, too homeless, too gay, too old, too Muslim,
you know who you are
is someone I stick up for on Facebook posts but never see in real life
because I am too busy, too preoccupied, too obtuse to notice.
We have left undone those things which we ought to have done,
Like
call my friend who is depressed before it’s too late
or take seriously my neighbor of a different political persuasion
or notice my privilege
or visit my father on his birthday while he’s still with us
or tackle climate change before the North Pole grew 36 degrees warmer than normal or
Haiti was swamped by hurricanes and then forgotten.
We have done those things which we ought not to have done.
Do I really have to list these, Lord?
Anger. Bitterness. Cloying neediness. Disdain. Ennui. Fear. Gossip. Hubris. Impatience. Jealousy. Know-it-all-stupidity. Laziness. Mendacity. Nastiness. Opportunism. Petulance. Quivering. Racism. Self-righteousness. Temper. Ugliness. Vengeance. White lies. Xenophobia. Yielding to the easy way. Zombie self-absorption.
The Almighty and merciful Lord grant you absolution and remission of all your sins, true repentance, amendment of life, and the grace and consolation of his Holy Spirit.
May it be so, O Lord,
not because I am worthy, but because you are both mighty and merciful;
not because I can absolve myself, but because you have chosen to cleanse me in the breath-taking love of Jesus;
not because I can be perfect, but because you alone can remake me, amend me, resurrect me;
not because I may ever be able to forgive myself but because your grace has already let me overcome my shame;
and in your forgiveness of me, has opened a place in my heart for love.
Amen.
