Tasteless jokes connecting women’s gym attire to their sexual exploits in a Saturday Night Live opening monologue and videos from the so-called “manosphere” discussing men’s issues have flooded the screens of young men and boys. The sad reality is that these represent a spectrum of bad theology of gender norms, expectations and roles. As a parent of two young boys, I am worried about what these voices are teaching young boys about masculinity.
I am worried because it is easy to see a connection between this bad understanding of masculinity and the sexual assault allegations that occur on college campuses all too frequently. The recent reporting around the Cornell Seven, with the debates about consent, implicit blame of the victim for putting herself in this situation and the fraternity group chat where other young men were aware of what was occurring and seemingly did nothing, highlights the troubling impact of this thinking.
This bad theology has always been with us. We see limited readings of it in Scripture, cultural applications of these misreadings that shape norms and expectations around gender and historical movements to counter any challenge to narrowly defined masculinity and male authority.
I was raised in the church during the late ’90s, and I remember the packing lists for trips that required young girls to wear one-piece bathing suits. Or phrases like “modest is hottest.” And purity rings and purity pledges. All directed at the girls in our group. The underlying message was that girls’ bodies were objects of sexual desire. And it was their responsibility to keep boys from “sinning,” despite what Jesus says in Matthew 5. The negative impact of this is well documented in books like Purity Culture, Bodies, and Beliefs: Stories of Religious Trauma and The Purity Myth: How America’s Obsession with Virginity Is Hurting Young Women.
These beliefs have been made worse in the last couple of decades through the rise of the so-called manosphere. These content creators present themselves as self-help gurus for men. Their message is that the world has been stacked against men, and women have too much power. They argue that feminism has gone too far and that women should return to solely focusing on the domestic sphere, while men need to be leading in social and financial spheres as well as being physically dominant. Often, women are portrayed negatively, as overly emotional, submissive and needing to be led. This reductionist view of women allows those in the manosphere to treat women as objects.
Popular Christian social media influencers and preachers have contributed to this bad theology through teaching a rigid patriarchal view that insists on a narrow view of masculinity. They argue that men are the head of the family and have dominion and authority over women. Men are expected to be respected, have their needs met, and have absolute authority. Even in its subtler complementarian expression, women and girls are to have a diminished role in the family, church and wider world.
This narrow theological view of men and family structures, and the perversions of it that are commonplace in popular culture, are perpetuating a cycle of moral outrage in the moment followed by justifying these acts as “boys being boys,” or that’s just “locker-room talk,” or blaming the women for wearing provocative clothing or acting in ways that “bring these types of acts upon them.”
I do not want my boys to learn and embody this view of masculinity of how boys and men should act. Though these voices claim to be biblically inspired or the Christian view, I believe there are far more and better expressions of masculinity in scripture that we should be teaching our young boys and men.
King David is one of the most significant and complicated figures in the Hebrew Bible. And there are aspects of his expression of masculinity that may serve as a helpful guide. He is known for his heroic deeds like defeating Goliath, clothed and armed as a shepherd, not clad in armor, bearing a sword as others expected and pressured him to do. His deep friendship with Jonathan, his political rival’s son, enriched and ultimately saved his life. And he danced in front of the Ark of the Covenant with reckless joy.
Yet David also displayed some of the worst traits of masculinity. He abused his power and engaged in an adulterous relationship with Bathsheba. Then, he attempted to cover it up by having her husband, Uriah the Hittite, murdered. When confronted and rebuked by the Prophet Nathan, David did not attempt to hide his wrongdoing but acknowledged his abuse of power, declaring that he had sinned against God. David also wept when his son, Absalom, was killed in battle despite his rising against him for his inaction following the rape of David’s daughter Tamar. I would hope David’s tears are not just for his son’s death but for his failing as a parent to both Absolom and Tamar.
In David, we see a complicated man who fails to fully live out the best traits of masculinity. And at the same time, we see him seeking to be a person after God’s own heart. To be a person who has deep relationships with others, expresses joy and sorrow, and accepts his faults while seeking forgiveness.
Thankfully, Scripture gives us more than David as an example, such as Moses’ humility, Daniel’s courage, and Elijah’s willingness to face abuses of power. In the Gospels, we see Jesus weeping for the death of his friend, commanding the disciples to serve one another and his ability to see those others look past and act with love and grace towards them.
In most of these cases, these views of masculinity do not elevate men over women or limit roles and responsibilities shaped primarily by a patriarchal worldview. They present conceptions of masculinity that allow for the fullness of being human to show forth. Where emotions can be expressed, deep and meaningful friendships are celebrated, and compassion, empathy, and care are signs of strength. These aspects, as well as others not mentioned, should reflect the Kingdom of God that Jesus proclaimed throughout the Gospels. These concepts of masculinity, when held together, can help men avoid the negative behaviors we see in King David, and live more expansive and full lives.
I believe that if we teach this type of theology around masculinity, then the narrow and wrong views that limit gender norms, expectations and roles are shown as false. And things like respect for bodily autonomy and general concern for the physical safety of others are unquestioned expectations. From this place of personal safety, mutuality and celebrating the uniqueness of each person with the gifts and talents they have, a world where the flourishing of all becomes possible may be created. This is what I hope my boys learn and embody as they grow into men.
