What really happens in baptism?
Why don’t we have godparents?
What does baptism mean for children born with birth defects?
Where does the water come from?
Why not wait until my child can decide for herself?
My spouse is not a church member, what do we do?
These are just a few of the questions I received when I surveyed pastors and educators in Presbyterian congregations in the United States and Canada as I prepared to write the book, “The Baptism of Your Child.”
Many people raised the same issues, and, I suspect, some questions were given in the hope that I might provide a ready answer for parents. I found from my mini-survey that pastors have given a lot of thought to the meeting they have with parents before a child is baptized. I know from talking with parents over the years that many questions go unasked because parents are afraid to ask them.
The preparation for a child’s baptism is a prime teaching moment; the day of the baptism is not. Explaining what will happen, including such details as where to sit and when to come forward, and going over the service of baptism can bring forth the questions that lurk in the nervous corners of a parent’s mind. Encourage the questions, and you will end up with theological discussions: Why is there a question to the congregation? Why isn’t baptism a private ceremony? Is the water holy?
Three words can guide pastors in their conversations with parents before a child is baptized: prayer, congregation, and celebration.
Parents as pray-ers
Nearly every person who responded to my e-mail included the concern that parents understand how important their role as spiritual nurturer and role model is for their young children. Model is the key word here. Young children are mimics, and they copy our actions long before they understand what we are doing. Anna, at age three, sits her mother on the sofa to play church, telling her when to stand, when to pray, and when to sing. Anna knows this because Anna is in worship with her family Sunday after Sunday. Dan, age six, reminds his grandmother to pray before lunch because Dan and his family say grace before each meal. Children assume as normal what they observe and participate in at home and elsewhere with their families. Prayer and the worship of God is what Christians do.
Encourage parents to think about that part of parenting now, and not to wait until the child is old enough to take part. Children ought to grow up hearing the language of faith, and not because someone got angry. They should incorporate words like God, prayer, or church into their rapidly growing vocabulary in the first three years of life. Children make meaning of words as they hear them used and observe what we do when we say them. Urge parents to pray aloud with their children before the children have the language to join them.
Parents and the congregation
Spend time talking about the promise the congregation will make at the baptism. Let the family know how their congregation is ready to support them as parents and as spiritual nurturers of this newest addition to God’s people. Provide information about programs or care available now for the baby, but take it a bit further and explain the church school or educational ministry and how it can help them nurture their child’s faith.
The church building and the congregation should be a welcoming and safe place for all children. It should also be a familiar place with faces the child recognizes. The latter will not happen unless the parents understand the importance of being in the midst of the congregation. When adults in the congregation recognize a child, they are more likely to smile at the child. Tell parents to make friends with families, couples, and singles in the congregation who exhibit the least bit of friendliness. Suggest that they invite them to their home for dessert, or to the park for an impromptu picnic. The more experiences they and their child have with church members the more likely they will find adults who delight in their children and provide additional role models of faithfulness. The promise of the congregation is the good news that parents are not nurturing their children alone.
Parents and child celebrate
Finally, promote the idea that they celebrate the anniversary of the child’s baptism each year, much as they celebrate the child’s birthday. Invite family and friends to join them. Look at pictures from the baptism day. Tell the child about it, including the funny bits. Say a prayer for the child and her or his continued journey in faith. Some churches give a candle to the family that can be lit on the baptism anniversary. Parents can, of course, get their own pillar candle and decorate it for that purpose.
Perhaps, by the time the child is six or seven, the memories shared will be so clear that the child will see them as his or her own. Then every time the congregation is encouraged to remember their own baptisms, the child too will have a memory to recall, a memory that grows in understanding and importance as the child matures in body and spirit.
Carol Wehrheim is a member of Nassau Church in Princeton, N.J., where she teaches sixth grade and is clerk of session. She is the author of The Baptism of Your Child, Getting It Together: Spiritual Practices for Faith, Family, and Work, and Giving Together: A Stewardship Guide for Families.
