Let me tell you about my family. Addiction runs through our veins, entitlement reigns in our thoughts and we are prone to pretending to be something we are not.
There has been adultery. There has been sex before marriage. There have been children given up for adoption and – since we are telling the truth here – there have been abortions. Not only do we secretly (or not-so-secretly) have gay and lesbian members in our family, but there are also some transgender and non-binary relatives as well. We just don’t talk about it much. When I was about 10 years old, one of my great aunts — a faithful church lady — called me over after Sunday dinner and whispered into my ear over sweet tea and cookies, “Don’t ever forget that the Edmistons are better than anyone.” Not kidding.
This was not only confusing; it obviously wasn’t true. I confirmed this with my dad who said that our beloved aunt not only had high expectations for us and she was very proud to be an Edmiston, but she was mistaken. Even at that young age, I was already Presbyterian enough to know that all of us —even members of my particular family — have fallen short of the glory of God. But the Perfect Family I write about here is not my family connected by blood. I’m talking about my family — our family — connected by water and the Spirit. What makes us perfect is not our lack of guilt and secrets and deceit. What makes us perfect is that we are a mess and God still loves us and we are keenly aware of that particular soup. The perfect family is not the one that hides its flaws and shameful secrets. It’s the one who acknowledges that Mistakes Were Made, then confessed, then redeemed — because God loves us enough to die for us and because God is the ultimate steward who uses everything — even our imperfections — to bring something good and amazing into the world. God even uses The Worst Things That Could Happen towards something redemptive.
We church people like to think of ourselves as family. We welcome people into “our church family” when they become members. We call ourselves “brothers and sisters in Christ.” But we are as messy and as dysfunctional as any family on The Jerry Springer Show. We just don’t like to acknowledge this truth. As some in our denomination discern that leaving the PC(USA) is the way to go for reasons of purity and more, my heart is heavy — not only because they are leaving, but also because it feels like they are deceiving themselves. They too have messy congregational families, but either they do not acknowledge it or they have deceived themselves.
Our Hebrew and Greek Scriptures depict a culture in which shame reigns in extended families and a shame culture reigns in too many of our congregations today as well. In light of Brene Brown’s work on vulnerability and research on the Congregational Life Cycle, it’s clear that the marks of a healthy congregation include authenticity, courage, honesty and grace — which also happen to be some of the characteristics of Jesus. Families that pretend that everything is perfectly whole are not real families.
The perfect church family acknowledges personal brokenness, shares mutual failure, holds each other accountable and offers forgiveness and grace in the name of Jesus. The perfect church family is full of misfits and miscreants who find welcome and community — and redemption — in the name of Jesus. This is the kind of real church that looks like heaven. This is the kind of family that Jesus came to save. They are perfect.
– Jan
Editor’s note: We thank Jan Edmiston for offering a guest editorial this issue. Jan is associate executive presbyter for ministry for the Chicago Presbytery.
