It’s June – the most marrying month of the year. I‘ve long since lost track of how many weddings I’ve officiated over the years (a hundred?). And I have no idea how many of those couples are still married. I’m too chicken, I suppose, to find out. I have wondered, though, if premarital counseling is too little too late. (I may have come to this realization when I got engaged… at age 47.)
Pastor, just look in their eyes. They are gaga.
Their minds are made up. They are inclined to tell you whatever they think you – or their intended – want to hear.
Don’t worry, I will keep using that marital assessment inventory and meeting with the couple multiple times in the hopes that they have a better of idea of what they’re getting into, but I’m somewhat skeptical about the result. Because, as a New York Times Opinion piece put it last year, while not intending to, we “marry the wrong person.” In fact, I’m almost entirely convinced that the wrong person is all there is!
For those who have spent the better part of their life searching for Mr. or Ms. Right, this is tantamount to being told, “Whoops, just kidding, the earth is indeed flat!” Now, in truth, perhaps there is a potential spouse who is more or less suitable, someone who is right-er or wrong-er than another. But I suggest we need to spend as much – or more – energy on becoming the right person as we do on finding the right person.
Becoming the right person has been challenging for me because at age 47 I had spent the better part of my adult life living on my own – and had the distinct impression that I was really quite easy to live with. (Ever notice how we always seem a little more virtuous from our own vantage point than another’s?) No doubt this is why someone has suggested a standard question on an early dinner date should be, “And how are you crazy?”
Becoming the right person is challenging because it’s not only hard to get to know someone else, it’s hard to know ourselves. My seminary ethics professor, Lew Smedes, said something in the middle of a lecture one day that I’ve never forgotten. We must have all been falling asleep, but we snapped to attention when almost out of the blue he said, “You know, my wife has been married to 10 different men.” Smedes continued, “Yep, and they’ve all been me!” He was at least 10 different men. She was at least 10 different women. You’re not just putting together two people who don’t know themselves very well. There’s the potential of 20 people showing up! And what if only number five falls in love with only number nine?
Becoming the right person is challenging because we’re all crooked timber (so said Kant). This means every human being will frustrate or disappoint us, and we them. University of Washington marriage researcher John Gottman, who has spent 40 years studying couples, notes that 69 percent of couples’ problems are perpetual; they won’t go away. Some arguments can’t be resolved. So now what? Gottman and company claim that after listening to a couple talk for about five minutes, they can determine with 91 percent accuracy whether the couple (straight or gay, rich or poor, childless or not) will survive. Signs of criticism and contempt are lethal. Survival boils down to showing kindness and respect. Bill McKibben calls it adding increments of quotidian devotion. Changing the toilet paper roll. Cleaning up the toast crumbs again. Fetching the hair out of the shower drain. All without bitterness in your heart.
Marriage is two imperfect people trying not to give up on each other – by the grace of God – til death do them part. In the meanwhile, a little post-marital counseling might not hurt either.
HEIDI HUSTED ARMSTRONG is transitional pastor for First Presbyterian Church in Seattle.
