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Six conversations that build community

Guest commentary Matthew J. Skolnik

 This Sunday I held my 10-year-old nephew under my right arm as we live-streamed worship into our living room. While most of our family is white, my nephew happens to be black. He has been in our life for over nine years and I am so thankful that he is a member of our family.

As we worshipped, our pastor called the church to righteous indignation, and I held my nephew a little closer than I usually do. My nephew probably did not notice the difference, but I certainly did. I have feared for him before, but these days I lose sleep over him and others whom I love.

While my nephew and I sat together, and as our pastor’s words washed over me, I recalled sharing a meal with a Black mother a few years ago. During our time together, she explained to me what it was like to watch her son get pulled over for a malfunctioning taillight. I cannot adequately describe her fright and horror.

As worship continued, I recalled many of the Black mentors, teachers, students, classmates, colleagues and friends I have had over the years. The first Black man I truly loved and admired was Carl Jackson. Mr. Jackson taught me about music and life from the time I was in 4th grade until I went to college. I know I was young, and I know that I was not the one who led most of our conversations, but I regret not asking him more questions and not spending more time listening to his difficulties. I bear this same regret with many others.

From technical solutions to social answers

On June 12th, Mariame Kaba wrote an opinion piece in the New York Times titled, “Yes, We Mean Literally Abolish the Police.” In it, she makes that case that technical solutions such as police training will never stop police brutality, and therefore the preferred alternative is to redirect policing funds to social programs such as education and healthcare.

It is not my intent to get sidetracked into a discussion about the validity of Kaba’s conclusion. Instead, for me, the most interesting and helpful part of this article is the idea that technical solutions do not have the ability to transform social challenges. For example, technical solutions provided by the government and other institutions have not improved health disparities in our country, nor have they reduced the suicide rates of our military personnel. Further, technical solutions have not helped end the Palestinian-Israeli conflict over the last 70 years, nor have technical solutions reduced human trafficking.

If Kaba’s premise is correct, and if it is true that government reforms and training will never squelch such visible and profound violence in the police force, how much less will technical solutions be able to adequately address more hidden forms of oppression, such as microaggressions and implicit bias? If the technical approaches cannot stop murder, how can technical solutions change thought patterns and micro-actions?

This is a serious line of inquiry that requires our utmost attention.

If we are honest with ourselves, we begin to realize that we cannot rely solely on technical solutions that are provided to our people through the state or other institutions. Instead, we need to seek another primary pathway forward.

In their 2010 book “The Power of Positive Deviance,” Richard Pascale, Jerry Sternin and Monique Sternin outline a methodology that unlikely innovators have naturally used to solve the world’s most difficult problems in the past. The book was published by Harvard Business Review Press and includes areas of success such as childhood malnutrition in Vietnam and reduced infection rates within a hospital setting. The starting point of the Positive Deviance approach is threefold: solutions to seemingly intractable problems already exist; they have been discovered by members of the community itself; and these innovators have succeeded even though they share the same constraints and barriers as others.

From my perspective, this book should be required reading for any person who exercises leadership. I also believe one example of Positive Deviance that predates the book comes from South Africa.

Some years ago, I had a conversation with the late Johannes Swart. Before his untimely death, Yanni was a PC(USA) pastor in rural Pennsylvania, and a professor of world mission and evangelism. More importantly, Yanni grew up in South Africa and he helped to remove apartheid from his homeland.

As I was probing and trying to learn from his experiences, Yanni revealed to me that the tide turned against apartheid when young Blacks and whites began intentionally eating together. Over the years, I have taken Yanni’s experience seriously and I have implemented his wisdom where and when I can. For example, I have invited Muslims and Christians to eat together.

Relationship-building over meals is a simple social solution that is powerful. Eating together, sharing conversations and beginning to see others truly as humans, for me, is the exhibition of heaven on earth. In fact, I strongly believe that these gatherings have more to do with the ancient understanding of ekklesia (church), than attending a homogeneous worship service on Sundays.

The South African idea turns away from technical solutions and toward social relationships as a starting point. However, as we look at the plight of the Black community in America, we know that we need help, encouragement and a framework to get started in these intentional acts of community building.

Helpful tips

  • Seek relationships, not programs. Do not announce a new church initiative. Instead invite people to a community.
  • Let people opt in or opt out. In “The Power of Positive Deviance,” the authors make the case that people cannot be coerced to participate and lead change. People have to want to be involved. I find it best to think about this process as described in “Diffusion of Innovation.” Some will be early adopters, others will not. Most people eventually come along after they see success. So, please first work with those who have a heart to make a more perfect union. You may have to search for like-minded people or visit another community.
  • COVID-19 is not an excuse. There are ways to gather and eat in a safe way. For example, eating outdoors in the summer, with boxed meals, and sitting a reasonable distance apart can work. As in all social evils, an excuse not to act is a form of silence. Everyone can identify problems. But we need leaders who can find solutions.
  • Build a healthy environment. In “The Culture Code,” Daniel Coyle argues that teams (communities) function best when leaders provide words and actions that offer safety, mutual vulnerability and a shared purpose. Someone in your presbytery can help you do this better.
  • Pray before each meal. Saying a simple prayer before eating is part of our public witness. For example, “Lord, thank you for one another, the food that we share and the time we have together. In Christ’s name, amen.” Bonus points for those who work in elements of Coyle’s “The Culture Code.”
  • When we get past COVID-19, appropriate touch is important. My Arab friends have taught me over the years that we build relationships through touch. At first, I did not know what to do with a man holding my arm as we walked down the streets of Cairo. What forms of touch make sense in our culture? For more insight, read “Trust Factor” by the neuroscientist Paul J. Zak.
  • After a few gatherings, share leadership. Consider asking someone else to host or lead the conversation with you. We want to multiple leaders. We are looking to create a movement, like they did in South Africa.
  • Do not get too intense too soon. People will naturally ask one another questions, but the weight of the conversation cannot outweigh the trust that has been built. Be nurturing, and redirect the conversation through questions like the ones that are listed in the next section.
  • Throw out the idea of curriculum. Instead, when introducing a conversation, do so informally. Use statements like, “I am really curious how everyone got their name…” or “As we get to know one another, what is a favorite childhood memory?” Avoid phrases like, “My pastor says that our third conversation should be…” or “According to this brochure, we should talk about…” People desire community, not another obligation or program.
  • Ideally, your first community will include three types of people. In “The Tipping Point,” Malcolm Gladwell argues that pandemics of change require three types of leaders to build a word of mouth movement. He calls these people: connectors, mavens and sales people. Get a little training or do a little research on your own.
  • Close each gathering with intention. Thank people for coming and for sharing their thoughts and stories. Thank them for being willing to be vulnerable together, and for accepting one another. Let them know that you will invite them again soon. If you set an ongoing schedule, wait until there is full buy-in from everyone in the group.

Six conversations that build community

The following are helpful conversations to be shared over meals that help build trust, relationships and community among people who do not know one another or who have vastly different experiences. These conversations can be used within communities, or across racial divides.

You may desire to change a conversation topic. If you do, please note that there is a logical progression in the listed conversations. For example, conversation 5 would not be helpful during a first meal.

  • Conversation 1: What is your name? What is its meaning/history? Why was it chosen?
  • Conversation 2: What is a favorite childhood memory? Where and when did this memory happen? Who were you with? What made it so special?
  • Conversation 3: What meal do you love the most? Is it special because of the food, or is it tied to an event? Who usually gathers for this meal? What makes this meal important to you?
  • Conversation 4: What is one embarrassing moment from your school days? For me, in grade school I was pushed and I ended up sitting in a small trash can! This conversation is about practicing vulnerability. Guide people not to get too deep. Your group most likely is not ready yet.
  • Conversation 5: Share a painful memory from within your family. Again, guide your people not to reveal their deepest wounds just yet. You will most likely get some pushback because some people will want to reveal too much. Be careful here, you do not want to create an expectation that everyone needs to share at this intimate level; doing so could scare people away.
  • Conversation 6: What is one friendship with a person from a different background that has made you a better person? How did this relationship unfold? What gives meaning to this relationship?

These conversations are but a starting point to help us mend our nation. After some months of regular meals, you most likely will start to get a sense that it is time to delve into more challenging topics. But that discussion is for another day. Today, we can take one step. Let’s take it together.

Matthew J. Skolnik

MATTHEW J. SKOLNIK is the general presbyter of Muskingum Valley Presbytery in eastern Ohio. He enjoys motivating mission, equipping leaders and encouraging the church. Matt has lived with his family in Ohio for 12 years, loves nature and laughs frequently.

 

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