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PTSD, mermaids and Saul

Did King Saul have PTSD, Elana Keppel Levy wonders? Perhaps. What she knows from her own life is this: surviving is an act of courage.

Photo by Akira Hojo on Unsplash

Content warning: PTSD, sexual violence

I have this guilty pleasure: an Australian TV show called “H2O: Just Add Water” where a group of teenage girls have an inexplicable encounter that turns them into mermaids. The main lore of the show is that they look like regular humans until they encounter water. Then the mermaid tail appears.

It might seem like an odd leap, but the last time I watched the show, it made me think of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Ever since 2002, I have been coping with PTSD as a result of sexual violence. Like those teenage girls, I had an inexplicable encounter. Unlike them, mine wasn’t at all magical. All the same, that violence and my brain’s re-wiring changed my life.

At the beginning of “H2O,” the mermaids would run and hide when anyone “added water.” They disappeared behind locked doors or into the sea until it was safe to come out. They knew that most people wouldn’t understand — they couldn’t trust them with their secret. So the world became filled with danger even though the world hadn’t changed at all.

After my encounter in 2002, my nightmares, flashbacks, and intense emotions out of nowhere made it hard to be in public. Even when I started to adapt or “avoid the water,” some things would trigger my PTSD that weren’t remotely connected to the violence. Safety felt like a myth, and it was harder to feel hope, to connect with others, to trust. Some days my hypervigilance became so overwhelming that I would do something reckless just to do something. Shaking and uncertain, filled with shame, every day felt like a roll of the dice.

Shaking and uncertain, filled with shame, every day felt like a roll of the dice.

The “H2O” characters couldn’t stop being mermaids; I couldn’t undo the violence. Life becomes what it is. For people of faith, it can be hard to cope with something that doesn’t have an easy biblical equivalent. Still, remembering that trauma has many sources, I wonder if Saul had PTSD from the horrors of war. Some scholars like Dr. Edward Oyetunde Adeloye have thought so. Saul’s intrusive memories rendered violent outbursts, fear, and paranoia. He couldn’t follow Samuel’s guidance. He couldn’t just be. Near the end of his life, he met a woman — a medium from Endor (1 Samuel 28). He didn’t want to lose the battle that was on the horizon. He disguised himself so the world wouldn’t know him. Under cover of dark, he sought her out. Saul was desperate but drained of energy. He couldn’t eat; he couldn’t sleep. He fell to the ground.

The medium’s knowledge and skill were illegal, punishable by death according to Saul’s decree. Yet, she brought up the spirit of Samuel – the spirit that told Saul he was now facing death. So far as we know, the woman had neither a husband nor formal security. Her life hadn’t gone like other people’s either. Despite his disguise, she saw who Saul was. She was afraid, but she relayed the truth that Samuel brought.

The medium was different from the rest of the community. Maybe she’d had a brush with death and that taught her how to forge a spiritual connection with the dead. Whether that was a blessing or a curse, she lived with the change and separation that came from being different. This difference had a cost, to be certain. Still, she didn’t cover her feelings with beautiful music as Saul did. She didn’t shift them into violent impulses either. Perhaps she sat with them and learned from them. Maybe she had PTSD and that’s why she could connect with Saul and take care of him despite the threat to her life. Unprocessed grief and trauma can be all-consuming. Think of how much Saul lost – his sanity, his kingdom, and, soon, his life! It is a brave soul that chooses to stand before the raging storm, getting back up again and again.

The person from the before time is gone, but surviving is an act of courage.

The mermaid show is silly, no doubt, but those young women learned to live on dry land and in that other world under the sea. Each posed new dangers, but each offered moments where they were able to see beauty and be of help. The mermaids helped where no one else could, the medium understood like few others would. In my own life, I hope that I have been able to reflect some light on the circumstances I endured. Impossible things came, but they did not get the final say. The person from the before time is gone, but surviving is an act of courage. Such courage can bring wisdom, compassion, ingenuity, resourcefulness, faith, and insight. Violence does not define a life. God’s imprint cannot be revoked. We are called in the body of Christ, to lead within the body of Christ, to show God’s glory through our own dying and rising again.

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