Content warning: suicidal thoughts, suicide
“It’s too bad that your grandmother’s in hell.”
When I was a middle schooler, a churchgoer said that to my friend. Her grandmother had recently committed suicide, and she was just a kid — shocked, devastated and shamed. I told her this wasn’t true. It couldn’t be true.
The God I was getting to know at church was “a gracious and merciful God, slow to anger, abounding in steadfast love, and relenting from punishment” (Jonah 4:2b). The notion that someone who was struggling with suicidal thoughts, someone who died by their own hand, should be punished eternally just didn’t square with grace, mercy, patience, and steadfast love to me. It still doesn’t.
There are a lot of different understandings of hell — what it is, if it’s real, why someone is sent there. When it comes to cause for damnation, most reasons come down to someone committing a sin: making a wrong choice without repenting. But having suicidal thoughts isn’t a choice. It’s a pattern that your mind gets locked into.
Having suicidal thoughts isn’t a choice. It’s a pattern that your mind gets locked into.
Every time you have a thought despairing of life, another one is likelier to follow it. I’ve been depressed and suicidal before. I’ve also been blessed with the support and resources to come out of those difficult periods. A depressed mind can make horrible things seem true, even inevitable.
In my life, my spouse has been a Godsend. When I have my worst moments, I tell him what I’m thinking: “I want to give up. Nothing matters. I’m a burden. It’s easier for everyone if I’m dead.” He tells me, “That’s just your brain lying to you.” I have a passionate faith. I pray; I try to do healthy things whether they make sense to me or not. Nonetheless, I still have periods of depression and suicidal thoughts. Because talking about suicide has been so stigmatized, it’s easy to assume that suicidal thoughts and actions are uncommon. Yet, according to the Centers for Disease Control about 12.3 million adults in America had serious suicidal thoughts, 3.5 million made a detailed plan to kill themselves, and 1.7 million tried to kill themselves in 2021. In 2022, the CDC reported that more than 49,000 Americans had died by suicide, which averages out to 135 per day. Whether we are aware or not, we all likely know someone who has struggled to live.
I thank God that I have never lost myself entirely to the power and presence of this impulse toward death. I thank God — but I can understand how people get to the point where they can’t go on any longer. How could it be that someone whose life has been agony and sometimes torture should be damned to hell? Does God answer suffering with suffering?
Near the end of his life, Paul was “convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:38-39). Love does not answer suffering with punishment. Love does not confront grieving survivors with the certainty of eternal hellfire.
Love does not answer suffering with punishment. Love does not confront grieving survivors with the certainty of eternal hellfire.
I’ll be honest. I don’t know how the afterlife works. Maybe it’s heaven or hell. Perhaps we all go to both. Maybe there’s a limbo and a purgatory and a Sheol. I don’t need to understand the great mysteries of the cosmos to affirm that Christ is my only judge. He is the Good Shepherd, the Prince of Peace, the Light of the World. He told us: “Come to me, all you who are weary and are carrying heavy burdens, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28). Jesus lifts heavy burdens; he doesn’t intensify them. Being suicidal can feel like you’ve lost everything — like there’s nothing left. Even when there’s nothing left, there is still Christ. He offers rest to those who need it most.
None of this is easy to endure — whether you are feeling suicidal yourself, trying to be there with someone who struggles with living, or grieving the loss of someone who died by suicide. It’s tragic to despair of life, but it’s not a weakness or a sinful choice. It’s certainly not faithlessness. Every moment of such a life takes more strength than many could imagine.
I don’t need to understand the great mysteries of the cosmos to affirm that Christ is my only judge.
We do our best to hold on to our faith. God’s love and grace and mercy don’t expire after we die. In his dying, Christ destroyed our death. In his rising, he restored our life. All life is held fast and kept safe in Christ’s loving arms. If thoughts of death and sorrow intrude, we are called to a path of healing through prayer, support, therapy, medication. Sometimes our brains lie to us, but the promises of the Lord are unchanging and unending.
If you find yourself living with suicidal thoughts, you can find help by calling or texting 988, the Suicide and Crisis Hotline.
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