The gift of active listening

wonder (ˈwən-dər) Rapt attention or astonishment at something awesomely mysterious or new to one’s experience.

Webster’s Dictionary defines wonder as “rapt attention or astonishment at something awesomely mysterious or new to one’s experience.” When I go into a new coaching session, wonder is my posture. I wonder what I will learn today — what I will discover not just about the person I am coaching, but about myself. How will I carry this coaching experience to the next experience, and the next? A sense of wonder keeps me coaching, even when it is difficult.

I started coaching clients to help them with career discernment. I worked with pastors in transition, trying to figure out what was next. Other clients were professionals with a vision to start a business or nonprofit or simply trying to advance. When I shifted to antiracism coaching, the stakes were raised. My coaching became more personal. I had to be vulnerable with my clients and prioritize my curiosity in order to make a meaningful impact.

Webster’s defines curiosity as “a desire to know.”

Webster’s defines curiosity as “a desire to know.” Knowing and learning a person’s story brings us together in a way that is authentic and reminds us of the connection of community that is greater than ourselves. I believe that many of our disagreements, our biases, and our prejudices are formed simply because we lack information. We don’t take the time to learn about each other because, in some cases, we fear that it may force us to change or hold us accountable. It is easier to make assumptions than to simply wonder, ask questions and listen.

Poet, activist and educator Nikki Giovanni said that “listening is a responsibility.”  We are obligated to listen to one another. Think about the times when you have been heard and when you haven’t. Think about how you felt when your voice was heard, when you shared your thoughts that were formed by your lived experiences. Sit with that feeling. Now, think about when you weren’t heard, when your thoughts were not taken into consideration or treated with care.  Active listening, in many ways, is the most important gift we can give each other. Active listening is a love language that simply requires us to listen with wonder. Listening doesn’t mean we will agree with what is being said. Nor does it mean we have to respond as such.

Oftentimes, we are only listening to be combative or to defend our own thoughts and opinions. But what if we just listened to gain perspective, clarity, or understanding? Coaching requires active listening because it provides insight into why a coachee may feel stagnant or where the fear of moving forward is coming from.

Active listening goes beyond just hearing the words; it involves truly understanding the message, both verbally and non-verbally. This skill not only strengthens communication but also builds rapport, trust, and empathy between people. Active listening has helped resolve conflicts, improve relationships, and build better communities.

It typically includes techniques like maintaining eye contact, nodding, using verbal affirmations like “I see” or “Tell me more,” and summarizing what the other person has said to confirm understanding.

Here are a few tips to enhance your active listening skills:

Be present. Avoid distractions like your phone or other media. Nod your head and make eye contact to show you are listening. Ask open-ended questions for clarification and understanding. Summarize what has been said in your own words to make sure you’ve heard clearly and understood. Suspend judgment.

When we lean into this skill of active listening, we can recognize the human dignity in each of us — a gift to be treasured.