In her 1952 autobiography, The Long Loneliness, Catholic activist and journalist Dorothy Day famously noted, “We have all known the long loneliness and we have learned that the only solution is love and that love comes with community.” Each week within church halls, Christians gather in community for worship, service and fellowship in a centuries-old practice to gather and connect for the purpose of building one another up in our walks of faith and action. In these spaces, we offer prayers of confession, supplication and human vulnerability. We acknowledge our limitations while taking in the reality of divine forgiveness and grace. We are optimistic that this grace and hope are real for all gathered.
“We have all known the long loneliness and we have learned that the only solution is love and that love comes with community.” — Dorothy Day
However, conflicting codes of socialization can prohibit certain community members from experiencing the fullness of God’s love in one another. Specifically, men have often felt excluded from an embrace of belonging, compassion or safety to be vulnerable.
In her beloved 2012 TED Talk titled “Listening to Shame,” researcher Brené Brown recalled sitting at a book signing and being approached by a man who confronted her with a significant gap in her research. He asked whether she had studied men in her work, and she noted she had not. “That’s convenient,” he remarked. When she asked about his response, he pointed to his wife and children, explaining, “They’d rather me die on top of my white horse than watch me fall down.” He concluded that he lacked the permission to express his humanity for fear of violating a code of expectations set forth by a larger societal framework and his own household. If he were to express his own needs for belonging, community, care and feeling, he would surely disappoint those who loved him the most. This story saddened Brown, and she later acknowledged that this describes a terrible reality for men.
Several questions arise from this exchange. What are the specific antidotes for men’s loneliness? And what messages, expectations or norms worsen this troubling issue?
What are the specific antidotes for men’s loneliness? And what messages, expectations or norms worsen this troubling issue?
Lindsay Faulstick, dean of students and vice president of student life at Presbyterian-affiliated Hanover College, explored these themes in her 2023 dissertation titled “No Man Is an Island: Student Involvement, Self-Perception of Masculinity, and the Desire for Community.” Faulstick noted in her research that at the time, only about 42% of enrolled college students were men, with men also making up 71% of the decreased enrollment in higher education institutions. Men were less likely to attend college-sponsored events or participate in clubs and more likely to engage in activities independently (i.e., watching television and playing video games). Men were also more likely to engage in concerning or destructive behaviors such as binge drinking, unhealthy interpersonal relationships and sexual assault.
By conducting in-depth interviews with male students from four private, liberal arts colleges, Faulstick explored perceived masculinity and involvement from men who were highly involved in their respective institutions. She quoted one such student, Carson, who defined his masculinity as “relentless” and “determined,” though he also used words like “open” and “thoughtful.”
Faulstick noted in her research that at the time, only about 42% of enrolled college students were men … Men were less likely to attend college-sponsored events … [and] Men were also more likely to engage in concerning or destructive behaviors.
Carson noted that traditional masculinity does not allow for shared feelings: “I think a lot of people don’t understand that you’re not masculine if you’re talking about your feelings and what’s been going on in your life.” Like Brown’s male visitor at her book signing table, Carson echoes the expectations that he remain silent about his own story and exclude himself from emotional connection for fear of violating a particular standard of masculinity.
Another student in Faulstick’s study, Kyle, observed that women are more likely than men to join clubs on campus; he claimed that “clubs aren’t considered cool” by his male colleagues. Kyle described his masculinity as “messy,” “competent” and “knowing his priorities.” Kyle later noted that “he looked a little different” because he did want to be involved in campus organizations, and he didn’t worry as much about others’ opinions because he was learning and having fun.
Multiple men in Faulstick’s interviews said they became involved in student organizations and campus activities because they wished to create meaningful relationships, and they knew that it would be difficult to continue living on campus without these. As another interviewee, Jasper, said, “If you’re not involved with anything, you gotta find it somewhere. If you don’t, maybe you end up leaving.”
Faulstick’s research focused on the experiences of White men on majority-White Midwestern college campuses. To consider disparities and differences of varying ethnic groups, Brandon Johnson of the University of Michigan and Neil Best from Maryville College addressed the college experience of Black men in their article “They Can’t Control the Students: A Qualitative Inquiry Regarding the Perceptions of Student Involvement For Black Men at Predominantly White Institutions in the Midwest.”
In the 2024 article, published in the Journal of Campus Activities Practice and Scholarship, Johnson and Best reminded us that, because higher education was founded on plantation culture, an inherent bias against Black men and women is assumed to be present in its framework. Black men are unable to receive the attention on campus that is necessary for their success, as much of the so-called attention is performative and more focused on marketing than on the inclusion of Black men into the collegiate community, Johnson and Best wrote.
Black male students on seven Midwestern campuses said they became involved in campus activities because of family encouragement, while also acknowledging that exploring campus life through activities such as clubs or Greek life could be frustrating due to the expectations and responsibilities that others placed upon them. Ke’Von, a fourth-year student, said “It is not my responsibility to be everywhere. I have started to step back and let people around me lead because I need to teach others when I need to recover.”
Alongside this sense of heightened responsibility, certain campus spaces create layers of complexity around the fact that one happens to inhabit the body of a young Black man. Ed, a fourth-year student, mentioned a club that was allowed to print 3D guns.
“There is no way I would go to a club where they are printing guns,” he said. “If anything was to go wrong, I would be the first one on the chopping block.” The study showed that, while community is essential for men’s emotional well-being, it can come with additional responsibilities and inherent negative biases due to the reality of existing in a predominantly White institution.
Faulstick’s interview participants clarified that they longed for emotional connection and personal relationships, even if they did not always articulate that longing, for fear of judgment or shame. Faulstick noted that there are practices that could help connect men to their larger communities, listing the need for opportunities to talk about positive masculinity and gender role development, noting the specific benefits of involvement for men, identifying ways to lead by example and questioning assumptions about why men are not engaging. Though her study focused on men in higher education, here is how Faulstick’s research might apply to the congregational setting.
Provide opportunities for positive masculinity and gender role development
Rather than thinking of masculinity as a default setting, how might men see masculine gender roles and expression in a positive light? How might a sermon or a Bible study highlight a positive masculinity that teaches what’s working rather than what isn’t? On the Cinema Therapy YouTube channel, a 2020 video titled “ARAGORN vs. Toxic Masculinity” offers a character evaluation of Aragorn from the Lord of the Rings trilogy, in which licensed therapist Jonathan Decker comments on Aragorn’s specifically masculine yet expansive expressions: “You can decapitate orcs and write poetry. … They’re not mutually exclusive!”
In Scripture, one finds men who are emotionally resonant and capable of grief (think of any prophet), a beloved king who is also a skilled harpist (remember how David soothed Saul?) and, of course, an incarnate God who trusts women, openly weeps in times of sadness or frustration and is entirely comfortable with feminine language and metaphor (a mother hen wanting to shelter Jerusalem).
Rather than thinking of masculinity as a default setting, how might men see masculine gender roles and expression in a positive light?
Consider how involvement benefits men
Everyone needs friends and community — including men! Is there a way to articulate the gifts of male fellowship in a church setting? Do specific activities and events allow men to come together to build relationships with one another? For example, my congregation organically created a poker night for men, hosted at the home of a retired professor. The activity doesn’t need to be formal. It is simply important for men to be in spaces with other men, particularly across generations. No agenda is necessary. Simply provide an open space to create relationships. I attended a small rural congregation in North Carolina during college that hosted a monthly men’s breakfast — a concept not entirely novel. Still, it grew out of a fundamental realization that folks need to eat and enjoy fellowship for its own sake. It’s tough to resist bacon (speaking as a native North Carolinian). If that’s not an ideal setting, try scheduling an afternoon at the brewery or local coffee shop.
Lead by example
Direct invitations work! If male congregation members invite other men to church events, prospective participants begin to feel welcomed and included. Studies show that lay leaders and congregational members hold more sway than the pastor over what participation looks like in their congregation. To tell someone that they’ll be missed is meaningful. “Hospitality” is often assumed to be the job of women, but it’s everyone’s joy and responsibility in a congregational space.
Question assumptions about why men are not engaging
Faulstick found that in higher education, men have been stereotyped as self-reliant and ruggedly individualistic, despite also sharing the need for emotional connection and a sense of belonging. What assumptions do we make about men in congregations? We need to examine our own beliefs and perspectives, which can so easily presume what men actually need and want. Do we expect men to be stoic in the face of adversity or grief? Do we assume they have it all figured out during significant life transitions, when we’d express support to women in the same situation? Congregational cultures vary wildly. But what would it be like for churches to have multiple spaces for discussion that permit men to talk about their struggles, hopes and dreams? Will we give men the space to be vulnerable and to elaborate on their unique struggles?
What would it be like for churches to have multiple spaces for discussion that permit men to talk about their struggles, hopes and dreams?
My brother has a core group of friends from high school, men with children and families of varying ages, with whom he continues to stay in touch. Every year, these families rent a home together to celebrate the new year, allowing them to reconnect since they now live in different parts of the country. Winter storms, hurricanes and other events have never managed to cancel their New Year’s plans. They have woven a tether that provides a sense of community in the challenging years that come with parenting children. These trips meet the men’s deep emotional needs to speak honestly, laugh heartily and feel connected with a more extensive network of people. Women are not alone in experiencing these basic human feelings. However, we often fail to acknowledge that men can be emotionally impacted by parenting or are unlikely to feel overwhelmed by family responsibilities.
Think of how many times we have joked with fathers, “Oh! I see you’re babysitting today!” — as if they bear no sense of responsibility or caring for their own children. Many casual jokes and small conversations presume that men are incapable of caring and, therefore, are not emotionally burdened by the challenges that come with many relationships. There can be misconceptions that men are two-dimensional characters with little interest in the well-being of those closest to them. How can these perceptions possibly humanize and take seriously the challenges men face? In the church, how do we acknowledge that men are made in the image of God and therefore are three-dimensional, complex, thinking and feeling beings?
There can be misconceptions that men are two-dimensional characters with little interest in the well-being of those closest to them.
Jesus, the model of masculinity
Again, we have an excellent model for masculinity in the person of Jesus, who in his full humanity could experience courage, fear, hope, despair, laughter, tears, joy, sorrow, friendship and solitude. What if the church celebrated this deeply human version of masculinity, granting men a space to explore the full range of their human experiences?
In the masculinity of Jesus, both friendship and solitude were important. Jesus desired the company of friends, as he demonstrated by travelling with others throughout his ministry. Though his path was uniquely his own, one cannot assume that he went without the company of those he loved.
For Jesus, women were fully human, not objects to be won or conquered. In Jesus’ time and place, even a direct conversation with a woman was a radical idea. When speaking to Mary Magdalene, his mother or the woman at the well, Jesus saw women as fully human, also made in the image of God. Women could be friends and close associates, not merely a prize or a codependent partner responsible for removing his burdens. Jesus welcomed the feminine in his own nature, seeing this dimension as a gift of wholeness rather than a dichotomy.
Jesus expressed a full range of feelings. Jesus flipped the tables of the Temple in bright rage toward the money changers. He wept bitter tears in the Garden of Gethsemane and mourned the death of his friend Lazarus. Jesus gleefully turned water into wine at the Cana wedding at his mother’s request, and he felt abject betrayal when kissed by Judas.
Jesus acknowledged his limitations. Sometimes Jesus needed to remove himself from the crowd and seek solitude away from the needs of others. When the storms raged, he occasionally called for a nap. When left sleepless on the night of his arrest, he simply couldn’t explain to his disciples the solemnity of the occasion. Helplessness and extraordinary vulnerability are real, even for God.
For Jesus, love is omnipresent. Courage is the capacity for kindness toward one’s enemies. Victory was the capacity to choose love over violence in the face of Rome’s tyranny. Despite his frustration and occasional righteous indignation during his earthly life, love is always at the core of Christ’s power. Relationship is always the essence of God’s will.
This is not to suggest that men are to live exactly like Jesus; rather, God desires that the masculine experience this wholeness of human expression, with deep longing for community, love and belonging. Our task as the church is to see the depth in all of God’s children, which certainly includes our brothers among us. Day knew what we all needed in the perils and wonders of living, to which men are no exception.
